Beauty-in-Aria

The Roller Coaster

2005-06-03T20:01:00.000-07:00

It has been a year of roller coaster ride for me.

Ronald and I broke up because finally we realize we didn't have the same goal. We believed in different things, we wanted different things in life. I once gave him an ultimatum that he should marry me when I turn 28 years old, I planned on waiting for that time, even if deep inside I knew medyo malabo mangyari yun for financial and emotional reasons.

I wasn't asking for a mansion in Maria Louisa or a Mercedes benz or a trip around the world, I would be happy even in a simple house, inexpensive car and aquiet life, just as long as we are not starving. Ndi ako ambisyosa, I only wanted a secured future for my family. But practically speaking, these simple things don't just fall from the high heavens, mahirap na ang buhay ngayon so we have to sweat even the simple things. Kahit na sabihing two years pa yun, but I want us to do something now. I just wanted a plan, a more realistic plan. This is just one of the many things that we don't agree about.

So I decided to do something for myself, look for a greener pasteur, take risks and grab every good opportunity while i am still young, while I still can, than wait (maybe for nothing) until I turn 28.

I asked him to hold my hand and come with me. To leave our comfort zone and explore other possibilities. I so wanted to do it with him, he is really good and I knew he will succeed. But he refused, he had other things in mind. We might have grown up, but we just grew differently and it was really painful.

Then he left for a three month training in Japan.

One day Louie came along, his exact opposite, he was exactly the man i've always wanted. We had so many things in common, we talked a lot and I honestly felt a connection. In the truest sense, he made me very, very happy. I forgot about the pain and disappointment, plus at that time I made a new barkada which we call VPAL-EM and I was just given a new challenging project at work. I became so busy and preoccuppied to think about my lost because I was surrounded with people that made everything so easy to bear. It also helped that I don't see Ronald in the office.

Louie inspired or pushed me to pursue my long time plan to try it here in Manila. Honestly, I have never been so determined because of him. He even took me here in the office for my interview. It was one perfect day for me because I was also given a good job offer.

Then suddenly he disappeared, just like that. Which honestly really broke my heart.

Ronald came back but we became strangers trapped in four corners, trying to avoid each other. My emotions became mumbo-jumbo again, I still loved him and I know he still loved me.

Through the help of my friends, we were set up on a date. There we were able to talk again, at first casually and then later on I cried. At last we were able to talk about what happened to us. I could have made things easier for me if I just got back to him but I thought it was unfair to do it when I am still unmended. If we were to get back together I wanted it for the right reasons and that is we are willing to compromise and I am willing to accept all his baggages.

I was leaving for Manila, again I asked him to follow me. I wanted to see if he really loved me because sometimes I think the reason why he's sticking up on me is because I am just his comfort zone. The true test of it is if I would still be in his heart even if I was not physically around him anymore.

I waited and waited. But still he didn't change his mind. He changed his heart instead.

I have finally gotten over my lost with Louie. I have already accepted the fact that maybe he was just an instrument to make me see that I could be happier or to bring me where I am now.

Now, I am still dealing with my last closure with Ronald. I am slowly accepting the fact that we are not meant to be. I just hope that this is the last part of my emotional roller coaster ride. I am just so tired to the point that I think I have become completely jaded.

I don't know what love is anymore. Is it being comfortable but struggling? or is it being happy and feeling alive?

This entry is quite long. It's because, this will be my last one. This blog will be a record of the whole ride which turned my life upside down, which used to be just a flatliner.

I used to tell my barkada this "Sana may mangyari sa aming relationship ni Ronald na something complicated, yung may dumating kahit third party nya, basta mag test lang if we are really for each other."

So I tell you, be careful with what you wish for. =)

I am ending this blog, just as I am closing that part of my life. It's not that easy to part ways from something or someone that you have been so attached to.

But I want to be happy already, so I have to let go of things that is making me sad.

Thank you my friends (Joel, Otep, Vincent, Maricris, Georgia, Claire, Monette, Maila, Mau and Arlene, Nats and Lizette) for holding my hand during this ride, I would never have made this still standing and smiling without you. Grabe Claire, your wedding really helped me became super busy and preoccuppied. If not for your wedding, my idle mind could have decided different things. You were really married at the perfect time. hehehe =)

Don't worry friends I will be making another blog as soon as I'm done savoring the pain. I hope it will be filled with more happy moments. Later on, I will know why all of these things happened. =)

Goodbye!

The Closure

2005-05-31T22:41:00.000-07:00

I did something last Sunday that totally broke my broken heart to little more pieces.And also gave me the closure I really need. I knew I was not okay when I left Cebu and I was still confused.

When I left he said he will always love me and wait for me until I've found myself, or even if there's no assurance that I will come back. God knows I still love him, he is my home, with him I always feel secure and comfortable. He was my only family in Cebu for 4 years, he's the only one I had. But I was torn between exploring my possibilities and stay there with him. For I never believe in long distance relationship,especially when you have different goals.. so there could never be a halfway to meet.I wasn't ready to give up my passion for life and adventure. I would love him to come and experience new things with me but he's not like me, he's a simple man and no one can bend his beliefs, not even me... the woman whom he said he loved.

And then I felt tired and lonely which is somehow caused by always figuring out why? "bakit ndi nya ako sinundan dito?" just like what my other officemates did for their love. I just can't figureout why this man, who would cry every time he sends me off to the airport when I go for just a 2-week vacation in Davao, could not change his mind when I was leaving for a lifelong journey.

And so I called him last Sunday and begged for another chance. I even bargained to resign here and go back there in Cebu just for him to take me back. I said I'd go there for a weekend and be with him. But he said no. He said he doesn't love me anymore and that if we ever get back together mas worst pa yung mangyayari sa amin and ayaw na nya dumaan sa ganun ulit. My pride left me that night, the girl who used to be in the pedestal was on her knees conceding defeat.

It broke my heart, the same way that I broke his when he begged for me before and turned him down. But I turned him down then not because I didn't love him but I just felt it's unfair to get back together when I'm still unmended with certain things.

But then in a way I feel better because it was a closure for me. And I know he will soon appreciate what I did that once in my life I've become humble for him.

Wala na akong labskie na babalikan, so I have to learn to move on and let go. I am just so thankful for my friends who came to my rescue and reminded me that everything was meant to be and everything will be alright.

This closure may come a little too late.. it's been a year already but then there's just many things that happened, I don't know maybe this is just the perfect time to close the most important part of my life. Saving the best for last, sabi nga nila. =)

The Road I've Taken

2005-05-27T19:36:00.000-07:00

It's been 5 months since I transferred here in Manila, but it seems I have been here for years! Living here is not a joke, it could really test your patience, endurance and even your tolerance for surprises because in this place, you never know what's around the bend.

I was quite contented with my easy life in Cebu with my friends and great officemates but thenI figured I have to grow up and I am still young to get stuck in one place. I got time on my hands andthis world has so much to offer. I don't want to run out of years and see myself one day, grey and old, sitting on a porch thinking what could have been or what I could have seen on the other side of the fence.

Indeed I felt I have grown up, with a fast paced life you have no choice but to keep up. I get to think about how to invest my money, save up for rainy days and a good retirement. Commuting to the office and back home is not an easy ordeal here, unlike in Cebu where my apartment is just a stone away from the office. So it is just but right to plan my earnings and let it not go to waste since I earned it the hard way. That's one reason why I also learned to work hard and play hard here. Nope I don't go out on bars and get wasted to unwind, instead, my friends and I go for long weekends in different places. Together we explore and go back to our work with recharged body and minds.

There have been a lot of twist and turns of events in my life before I came here. The decision wasn't at all a breeze. I didn't just pack my bags and go. I sacrificed my easy life and my heart just to explore this unknown side, this reality that used to just exist in my imagination. I paid a hefty price for this and until now I am still paying for it. I still cry, I still feel lonely and I still have doubts... I am still struggling in the middle of this battle. Sometimes I feel like giving up and to back to where I started or just simply release all hopes and dreams.

What hurts me most is the thought that my labskie, the man who used to be my strength and protector has already given up on me and my craziness. He even refuses to walk with me in this journey or to even talk to me when I am down and tired of fighting even if that's the only thing I could ask from him. So I have no choice but to face this battle alone.

It is really sad and I often think why things have to be so hard for me. But this is the path that I have taken and I will walk on this, I'm really not sure how many more steps I could take. But one thing is definite... that I will not be that old woman on the porch, who was too scared to experience what is beyond the horizon. I may emerge worn-out and defeated but I have no regrets.

Happy Birthday To Me!

2005-05-18T07:16:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I went to Puerto Galera with my NSP barkada to celebrate my 26th birthday in advance. It was super, super fun even though only Shing and me did not have a partner. Actually we explored the place as a group, walang couples na nagkanya-kanya... there were even times when we girls would separate with the boys and we go check out the cute dudes at the beach (who by the way turned out to be gays).

In that short time, we were able to experience a lot of things Galera had to offer. We went swimming, sun bathing, snorkeling (I saw a yellow Sea Horse!), fish feeding, Banana boat ride, crawled in the tunnel, get drunk and even let Galera's famous manghuhula to read my right palm(lovelife). That part was the most exciting! He was right about my past but I still have to find out if he was right about my future. hehehe

Another memorable thing we did was watch the sunset. I have never seen a sunset at the beach where you can actually see the sun fades into the horizon. It was so romantic, parang gusto kong agawin yung cute na boypren ng nasa tabi ko. Hay ndi naman sya maganda, mas sexy pa ako! life is so unfair talaga! hehehe

At the time we arrived we got so disappointed with the beach coz mas maganda pa yung public beach sa Cebu, I just pity the Manilenos that they have to travel that far to see a mediocre beach. But then with such exper iences you can get in that small island... you'd see why people are willing to take that long travel. Iba talaga sa Galera. =)

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I had a happy weekend so I couldn't stop smiling until my birthday yesterday. Although medyo things are not so good with my life right now... I was still able to have reasons to be happy.

Yesterday wasn't as romantic as my last birthday where I celebrated my birthday in Cloud Nine. But it was a meaningful one. Even before the clock struck at 12 midnight, I was already receiving birthday greetings from my friends who were already sleepy and could not longer hold their eyes to wait for May 17. Ang galing that the first person to greet me after midnight was the first person to greet me last year. He was actually just 3 minutes earlier than Lizette. =)

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I went to mass after work and head to Super Bowl for my dinner treat to my family. It was raining cats and dogs which made it hard for my cousins to reach Glorietta.. that's why we were there waiting for them from 7 pm to 9:30. I don't know but it's always raining on my birthday, but then I just thought of it as blessings that will be poured upon me this year.

My friends and cousins were super hungry that night that's why were so noisy at the restaurant. Oh well kahit ndi gutom maingay pa rin naman kami. hehehe At nakakainis pa kasi nasisimula ko nang ma-experience yung kalbaryo ng isang single woman pag tumuntong na ng 26 and above. Kinukulit na ako ng mga tita, pinsan at pamangkin ko na mag asawa. Eh wala pa nga akong boypren asawa pa! Imagine kung 40 years old pa ako mag aasawa I will be suffering this for 14 years! Hay!

Pero di bale ndi ako magpapadala sa kanila, I know better and I'm still enjoying my time as a single person. Syempre there are times na nalulungkot ako if I get hit of a sudden burst of loneliness and when I startasking myself again why things didn't work out. But I really have to be careful this time, my heart cannot afford another pain anymore. "I felt like exposing myself to another possible hurt would just kill me."

I promise myself that that person who came into my life summer of last year will be the last person to hurt me.

So I don't care if my relatives won't stop bugging me about getting a boyfriend or getting married.

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Oh well.. with all the things that had happened, I thought I was going to be sad on my birthday but being surrounded with special people who truly make up my life, made me forget about one person that I just lost.
Life is full of blessings.. and i'm hopeful that this year will bring me better things. Anyway I just learned that positive thinking can keep you stay young. =)

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check out my Puerto Galera Pictures at http://ariadbeetle.multiply.com/photos/album/12

South Park 2

2005-05-13T18:56:00.000-07:00

Hello guys! Here's more of my SouthPark friends I made today in between verifying PR for Tradescope and running the Appia test scripts. =)

This is how coffee addict Claire looks like when she finds out that her husband spent his money on an entertainment system or if she suddenly remembers that she's not wearing a bra (and she's already at the MRT station) hehehe

Don't be bothered when the ever poised Georgia looks like this when you meet her at the mall or anywhere. She's not a snob, she just can't see you.

(FYI: she's 6-eyed, she needs contact lenses and glasses in order for her to recognize you)

The "Don't-You-Ever-Mess-Up-With-Me" Maila. She may love color pink but she's no girlie when she's fixed on beating you in any sports. haha!

This is Mr. Suave Otep. He may look innocent and sweet... but mind you girls he can be a heartbreaker! hehehe

This is me. Made by Otep. hmmm I don't eat ice cream noh! hehehe

South Park

2005-05-12T17:32:00.000-07:00

Hi! It's been a long time since I last posted an entry... hehehe... i've been really busy with work (kuno!) so I didn't have time to write my thoughts on.

Ben Chan sent me this site http://www.planearium2.de/flash/spstudio.html which lets you create your own South Park character. It's so cute, he sent me his own character and also made one for me which I now use as my yahoo messenger image. Try it! it's so fun. =D

So to make my blog lighter I am posting here the South Park characters of my friends which I made almost every morning before I start my work. hehehe

They say "Tell me who your friends are and i'll tell you who you are", I won't tell you about them but I'm showing you my friends' South Park character instead.

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This is me!

This is Ben Chan with his sunshine-y smile

(he made this himself)

The no nonesense Nats

The life-loving and certified jetsetter Lizette

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More to come!

Doormat and Carpet

2005-04-15T17:53:00.000-07:00

Natawag na ba kayong doormat? or naramdaman na ba ninyo yung gawing doormat? Ndi naman yung literal na trapo na nilalagay sa labas ng pintuan ng bahay at ginagamit na pampunas ng maruruming sapatos ng mga pumapasok.

What I mean is, yung ginagawa kang trapo, yung minamahal ka ngayon tapos bukas mawawala siya, and then isang araw kakatok sya sa pintuan mo hihingi ng tawad at tatanggapin mo, pagkatapos ng ilang araw aalis nanaman sya para bumalik nanaman ulit.

Tanggap mo na kasi yung buong pagkatao ng mahal mo, yung bisyo nya, itsura nya, ugali nya and everything that comes with the whole package -- pati yung panloloko nya sa iyo. You know that something fishy is going on when he hides from you while talking to someone on the phone, or pag may nababasa kang "babes", "honey" sa text messages nya na ndi naman galing sa iyo, or pag ndi sya sumisipot sa usapan ninyo kasi may "emergency" daw, at marami pang iba... pero okay lang yun sa yo. You choose to be blind basta sa iyo sya umuuwi at okay lang kasi mahal mo sya, lulunukin mo yung pride mo everytime na nagsisinungaling sya basta wag ka lang nya iwan.

Kung aalis man sya, sigurado ka na babalik rin sya kasi sigurado rin sya na tatanggapin mo sya. You're the one he wants to grow old with but then he still wants to have fun. Kaya pag pagod na sya sa kanyang "journey", pag malungkot na sya at walang-wala na, sa iyo sya babalik kasi ikaw ang comfort zone nya. That's why you always find him at the doorstep on bended knees and you're always willing to accept him and his cold dirty shoes.

So naging doormat na ba kayo? Ako ndi pa. Kasi carpet ako.

Ako yung pinupuntahan nila if they want to have a taste of luxury. Mabait ako, maganda, matalino,at sexy (pagbigyan nyo na ako), kagaya lang din ako ng mga doormat girlfriends nila pero ang pagkakaiba lang eh, bago ako sa paningin nila. May pagka easy rin ako, kaya pwedeng-pwede nila pag praktisan ng mga pambobola nila (pero ndi ko pinapahalata na hulog na hulog na ako). Ang catch lang is mataas ang standard ko (not necessarily physical ha), ma-pride ako, I demand constant attention and I am complicated coz I think too much. Na chchallenge sila sa akin, kasi weird ako, ngayon sweet, tapos bukas galit... pero sinasadya ko talaga yun, tinetest ko lang persistence nila. Kasi I know na I have a lot to offer at iba ako mag mahal kaya sinisigurado ko na he deserves me. Iba na yung pinaghirapan di ba?

But then doormats always end up in homes and the carpets remain in the store unsold.

Masyado kasing intricate at mahal ang carpet, mahirap pang i-maintain kc pag binili mo dapat may vacuum ka or kelangan may special shampoo ka na pang carpet. So you often wonder if it's really worth buying with all the effort you have to put up with it. Minsan masyado syang maganda and fragile na sa tingin mo ndi bagay sa bahay mo. So kuntento ka na lang na panoorin syang naka display, hinahawakan, feel the texture at mag daydream na kasama mo sya sa isang magarang bahay. Akala naman ng carpet bibilhin mo na sya, akala nya she has finally found someone to keep her, 30% off na nga sya eh. But all the while you know you'd still go back to that doormat you have at home. And you think, marami pang magkakagusto sa magandang carpet na yun so it doesn't matter kung iwanan mo man sya.

Syempre hindi pinapahalata ng carpet na nasasaktan sya. Ndi nya ipapahalata na hanggang ngayon ikaw pa rin ang gusto nyang makasama at makausap. You will never know that sometimes, she dreams of being the one on your doorstep bearing your bended knees.

Wedding and Photographs

2005-04-13T18:35:00.000-07:00

Can you still remember the hit movie "My Bestfriend's Wedding" and its eternally popular line by Julia Roberts, "Choose me! Marry me! Let me make you happy!"? Oh how I love this movie and this line as well. Do you also remember how it broke your heart when movie ended with Micheal choosing Kimy over Julianne just after he danced with Julianne under the sun while he sang "The Way You Look Tonight"?

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Last night Nats and I were looking through pictures of our couple friends and our old "friends" and their current apple of their eyes, if you know what i mean. We just can't help but notice how our guy friends end up with girls who are physically, not quite what you expect them to end up with. I mean there's a sea of gorgeous ladies out there who would look better with them. Okay, okay i admit -- like me. =p

Well who can argue with that feeling called love! when it strikes, it conquers all reasons.

But is it really love?

When a man is torn between two girls who are both in love with him, both are nice, interesting and compatible with his personality, what really is his basis of whom to stick out with (that is of course if there's an inescapable pressure to choose only one). Will he choose the one with the biggest boobs? I doubt it! of couse he's not that shallow. I have show stopper girl friends who have gotten themselves in this beauty pageant-like situation and most of them end up eating the dust of the plain ones who have won the crown or rather, the man.

So I assume that men has this unwritten criteria of picking out between his two ladies-in-waiting.

10% beauty and body

10% love

5% talent and ability

75% willingness, comfort and convenience

So there, it's really not about her beauty or her disarming smile or her drool-worthy body. Unless she assures him that she will always be there no matter what, where and how, 24/7... never expect that she'd be the one on the photograph with him and wearing that "and we live happily ever after" grin.

Love is just magnified to a proportion big enough to mask the real reason simply because "i love her" is more romantic than saying "she's less complicated". Oh who would ever be willing to sweat these days just for mere companionship?

I know coz for some time I've heard "Comfortable na kc ako sa iyo" and some complaints in between more than "I love you for all that you are". I have also seen some who disappeared before my very eyes the moment I transform into a puzzle to be solved.

But then this is just my two cents worth.

Love remains life's sweetest mystery and I will never find out the real reason why Micheal chose Creme Brulee over Jell-O or why she's the one on the photo and not me.

Love

2005-04-11T18:45:00.001-07:00

"Never waste an opportunity to say I Love You to someone you really love coz it's not everyday that you meet a person who has the power to let you fall inlove again..."

I got this text message from an unwanted friend, he bugs me almost everyday and everynight with his stupid text messages. Sometimes he'd call me and say sorry for he didn't mean to send those messages to me.. yeah right! so he's really stupid coz he's been mis-texting me for almost two months now.

Okay it's not that I hate people texting me it's just that i REALLY, REALLY hate that person BIG TIME! he's my image of a devil. So you can just imagine how much I despise him.

But anyway, today this particular message made me sad. See?! how bad he is!

Maybe because it's true... when you found a person who opened your heart, you should never ever hold yourself in telling them how you feel. It's already sad enough to hold back and even worst when you realize he's not there anymore and it's just too late.

Yes, someone came into my life and made me realize how it really feels to be inlove. He painted a smile on my lips, he was the reason for the glow on my face and he made me very happy.

I still don't know now if he was true then or if he just toyed with my feelings. It doesn't matter anymore now. I believe that at that time we were two lonely souls who needed each other and things happened as it should.

I just wish that I didn't hold back. I could have at least thank him for no one has ever made my heart that happy. Until now I'm not sure if it was love, but I have never felt that much for a person even if nothing made sense. Love truly knocks only once so you should let it in and let it fill you.

We may not have a good ending but he will always be special to me.

"Life they say is touch and go. Some people you know may only be there for a time. Some may go away but people who find you special will always find ways to stay."

Woman

2005-04-06T18:12:00.000-07:00

I stayed up late last night coz I watched Oprah, i think last night's episode was one of the best they had. They showed the lifestyles of 30 years old women in different countries in the world. I learned that in Kuwait women cannot vote, but they can shop expensive things. That's because they don't have to worry about taxes, medical insurance and college education, all of these and more are provided by the Kuwaiti government for free. So they have their money all to spend for that Louis Vitton bag, Jimmy Choo shoes and that wedding gown in Paris. Isn't that neat? Now it left me thinking... which is more important your right to be heard or the privilege to spend my money in luxury? hmmm...

And then there's London where the most vacationed women in the world live. That's because the government grants employees a 5-week paid vacation per year. Cool huh? But what ain't cool is that according to their statistics every 1 guy in London is chased by at least 4 women. That's why more women spend their free time walking their dogs instead of being out on a date.

In Mexico, women don't need to execise and diet because men there like curves. Compared to busy American women who dresses for comfort in jeans, lose shirts and flat shoes, Mexican women mostly wear skimpy dresses and high heels.

But Mexican women don't come close to the vanity of the Brazilians. Where having a good buns is more important than anything else because they spent most of their lives in thong bikinis. That is why we have what we call Brazilian wax and Brazil is declared as the plastic surgery mecca in the world.

On the other hand an average 30 year old woman in Cuba had at least two divorces because it's so easy to get divorce there and for a mere $3 you don't have to find a reason to cling on a marriage that doesn't work.

But what struck me most among all the women shown is the poor situations of women in Iraq and Rwanda. I have so much respect for the strength and courageousness by the Iraqi women who live in fear most of their lives in their war stricken country. As told by the Iraqi journalist in her thirties, her main goal everyday is to stay alive. I realized that waking up everyday is one blessing that I often take for granted. I just found out last night how gravely women in Baghdad are deprived of their basic human rights. When a member of their family died they are not even allowed to cry or to mourn. To numb themselves of their losses and their maddening state or statelessness, they turn to Valium which costs only 20 cents there and could even be bought without prescription. Actually the ongoing war is not the only thing they are battling there, drug addiction is prevalent but goes unnoticed.

I was also sad to hear what happened to Rwanda. Believe it or not, reaching 30 is already a miracle because of the massacre that happened there about 10 years ago. A holocaust had actually happened in that country where the Tutsis were slaughtered by the Hutus. Sadly, it was not given much media attention, well maybe because it happened in a poor country. Please check this site and open your eyes: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/rwanda/reports/refuse.html this girl is like the Anne Frank of the Rwandan Holocaust. Hearing the story of Oprah's guest and the girl in the website is so heartbreaking that there is no word available to describe enough that horrifying event.

Mixed emotions took on me that night, I felt envy to those women who live in luxury and I also felt sad for others and I feel blessed that I am not in that situation. I am already thankful that the most cruel thing a person has done to me was break my heart (figuratively). At least I could cry freely and express my loneliness without being threatened to die.

But I also couldn't help thinking what I would be when I reach 30 for I am only 5 years away from that. Will I already be settled by then? if I am, will it be with my dream man and 3 cute kids? or will I be in that small bachelorette condo I was eyeing at Ayala last week? or could I become of those 4 women chasing an average man in London for sheer desperation?

At this point I don't have a faintest idea on what I would be in the next 5 years. What I am pretty sure is when I turn 30, I want to be a woman who is more aware of her surroundings. In touch with things that really matters in life. I want to be stronger and more courageous but still teeming with femininity in every way.

To be contented will be asking too much from myself but wherever I will be by then, I wish I am happy. I want to be hopeful in every sunrise and smiling in every sunset, at peace with whatever happened in my past. So I will be more graceful in trekking the road I've chosen.

"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations.

I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty,

believe in them, and try to follow where they lead."

—Louisa May Alcott

Simple Plan

2005-04-01T10:39:00.000-08:00

I watched Avril Lavigne's concert last night at The Fort Openfield. The show was started by Simple Plan, yung kumanta ng "I'm sorry I can't be perfect". I don't really like alternative music, but I learned that Simple Plan songs are good, I like the lyrics coz I can relate to it, bagay sa mga bitter. Ang galing pa nilang performer and the lead singer is super cute. I jumped, I danced, I screamed all throughout their performance.. I was an instant fan that night.

I like their song Addicted.

I can't pretend I don't care
When you don't think about me
Do you think I deserve this?

I'm tryin' to forget that
I'm addicted to you
But I want it
And I need it
I'm addicted to you
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never
Wanna do this again
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker

How long will I be waiting?
Until the end of time
I don't know why
I'm still waitin'
Can't make you mine

-----------------------------------

Oh and about Avril.. well she's a total bore. I don't like punk music in the first place, plus she just sings, she doesn't talk to her audience. Good thing I went there for free, my cousin had two P3,000 seat tickets and she couldn't go with ther daughter so I was forced to go instead. After 3 songs of Avril, my niece and I decided to leave.

When we were in the parking lot, a guy suddenly appeared out of nowhere. He introduced himself and we had a little chitchat. I found out that he's from Cagayan and he works here in Manila and he's also 25 years old. He seems nice... actually I saw him seated near the exit when we were leaving and I find him cute. =p Kaya nagulat ako when bigla syang sumulpot.

I know I won't be setting a good example to my 12 year old niece, but he seems harmless so I gave him my number. hehehe... I don't usually do this but maybe because my friends keep telling me to loosen up a little, flirt a little, be open a little... ndi naman daw lahat ng lalaking makikilala ko eh pakakasalan ko na.

Well let's see where it will take me.. sana nga lang ganun na lang kadali ang life, titingnan mo lang ang isang tao eh susundan ka na.

I guess my friends are right, I need to be a little more open to other things in life so I won't remain stucked and addicted to this one person. So one day he won't mean anything to me anymore.

You don't mean anything to me
You're what I never want to be

Tell me does it feel good to be like you
Tell me why should I waste my time with you

Goodbyes and Old Friends

2005-03-30T11:27:00.001-08:00

I don't know if it's part of the features of my new Sony Ericsson phone, or if I really have gone schizo coz my phone's been texting and calling this certain person on its own. One moment I will just suddenly receive a text from him, a supposed to be reply to my text. And one day he asked me why I called when kakahawak ko lang nga ng phone ko. But thank God I discovered that it's been Nats who is texting him all along ( I almost got convinced that I really have gone shizophrenic!) She explained that aside from boredom the reason why she did it is that I need a proper goodbye. But the problem is I don't want a proper goodbye. Para sa akin it is not something you ask from someone, it is supposed to be given to you with kusang loob and you don't have to act like a stalker or something.

On the other side of the world, Lizette is also dealing with her own goodbye. She has finally able to get a goodbye from her KF in a form of an updated Friendster status of Single and a deletion of the binding testimonial coupled with his usual silence.

We may only get silence.. but the answer to our questions are loud and clear...that is the game is over.

Isaksak nila sa mga baga nila mga goodbye nila. Okay na ako. Ndi ko na kailangan nun.

--------------------------

My old friend Louie and I crossed path through Friendster the other day. And last night we talked on the phone for two hours. He works in Cebu, I've worked in that place for four years and never kami nagkita, not even once. Funny that we have to meet when I am already here in Manila. Louie is one of my close guy friends back in highschool, and it was nostalgic when we were recalling our good old days. I realized na makakalimutin na talaga ako coz I couldn't remember most of his stories anymore.

It really makes me happy when I reconnect old ties with friends from Davao. It's like going back to those days when life was simpler and laughter was cheap.

And goodbye is a word you tell your friends during graduation.

Sagada

2005-03-28T16:46:00.000-08:00

Amazingly beautiful and exciting.

That's how I will describe my Sagada experience last holy week. Our adventure began when we took the bus enroute Manila-Banaue-Bontoc, I have never passed a road that steep, yun bang pagtumingin ka sa bintana ng bus eh bangin agad makikita mo, feeling ko one small mistake ng driver eh tigok na kami. I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid of heights.

From Bontoc where we took a quick breakfast, we rode the jeepney going to Sagada, it was a rough (to the max!) 30-minute ride, sumakit talaga pwet ko. But when we got there in Sagada... it was all worth it. First, ang daming cute na foreign tourists.. hehehe... ang sarap sa mata, nice view and handsome guys makes a heaven on earth. =p

Our first agenda after enlisting our names at the municipal hall was Spelunking at Sumaging Cave. Pababa pa lang ako ng cave eh sumeplang na ako buti naman reliable tong pwet ko at ndi ako dumiretso sa ilalim. Sliding through the 500-meter deep underground is not my idea of Spelunking. It was truly a once in a lifetime experience. I am not athletic and malling is my only way of an exercise that's why being able to finish the 2 hour caving without a bruise or a scratch is truly a feat for me. And I have my 20/20 vision to thank for that because I didn't have a hard time seeing through the dark path. It was even easy for me to look for a rock to hang on to when the path is slippery.

I came out of the cave cold and wet but I still manage to walk to our inn, and took more pictures and looked through the souvenir stores along the way. We wanted to have a bonfire after dinner but since we were all so dead-tired, we decided to sleep early that night so we can have a good rest and still have time to see more sights the next day. But before bedtime Nats and I were able to find their famous yoghurt with strawberry preserve which was only available at St. Joseph Inn. Lunchtime pa lang naglalaway na kami for that pero lagi kaming nauubusan, but it turned out not so delicious naman pla. Ang asim!

The next day, I woke up at 6 am.. ayoko sana maligo, pero ang lagkit-lagkit na ng buhok ko at feeling ko ang dumi-dumi ko na. So I braved the cold water.. I took a bath for 5 minutes, ang lamiiig ng tubig, I thought I was going to die inside the bathroom. I couldn't feel the towel anymore run through my skin after the bath.

So that's what they mean when they say "cold, cold heart".. because coldness can really be numbing. =p

After a breakfast of club sandwich and pancake at the famous Yoghurt House, we head off to the Echo Valley. Kung saan nag eecho pag sumigaw ka. Dun ko sinigaw yung mga tanong ko sa buhay-buhay.. hoping to hear back some answers but I only got echos. Maybe we don't necessarily need voices to answer our questions.

I love that place on top of the hill, I was sitting under the tree, watching the beautiful view and taking in the fresh air. I wish we had more time, it's the best place to read a good book, it's very serene... it's now my favorite place on earth.

We left at around 1 pm, I was really tired and sleepy but I couldn't bring myself to close my eyes when we were leaving Sagada because the view was breathtaking.

What makes Sagada a paradise is not the mountain view that surrounds it, but it's the experience that will leave you enchanted. It's truly a once in a lifetime experience to see the pages in your Social Studies books back in gradeschool come alive.

I am lucky and I feel so blessed.

Thank you Lord.

----------------------------------------------------

check out my pictures at http://ariadbeetle.multiply.com/photos/album/10

The Song of My Heart

2005-03-27T13:22:00.000-08:00

This is the song that kept playing on the bus during our trip to Sagada last weekend. Such a beautiful song for someone whom I truly, truly miss.

I'd Really Love To See You Tonight

Hello, yeah its been a while
Not much, how 'bout u
I'm not sure why I called
I guess I really just wanted to talk to you
And I was thinking maybe later on
We could get together for a while
It's been such a long time
And I really do miss your smile

I'm not talking bout moving in
And I dont wanna change your life
But there's a warm wind blowing
The stars are out
And I'd really love to see you tonight

We could go walking through a windy park
Take a drive along the beach
Or stay at home and watch TV
You see it really doesn't matter much to me

I won't ask for promises
So you dont have to lie
We both played that game before
Say I love you then say goodbye

My New Love

2005-03-16T11:49:00.001-08:00

This morning, while walking along Ayala Avenue headed for work, I saw this guy making a phone call with his Samsung cellphone. The clamshell type phone really look pretty, classy and i don't know, it just have this appeal that kicks. It was indeed an eye candy but I still didn't regret choosing my Sony Ericsson K500i over that latest Samsung E600.

Yep, I just bought a new cellphone and I just died my hair in 3 shades lighter than my natural color. I am officially blonde! hehehe

Anyways, last week was an emotional roller coaster for me that made me realize that letting go of the past, learning to forgive and forget are my only ways to get off that ride. So I thought of giving up the tangible things as a start. It's like pushing off that seatbelt which I hang on for dear life and make a one big leap off that track. And my Nokia 6610 should be the first one to go. My close friends don't have to ask why.

Nats and I realized that choosing what phone to buy is analogous to picking a love of your life. I originally wanted the Samsung E600 because I've always wanted a flip-flop type phone like that of the phones I saw in Japan. This latest model of Samsung is aesthetically what I wanted. But its features is kinda disappointing, it doesn't play MP3, it has very small memory size and its infrared is not compatible to other phones. Plus it is so expensive! Even if it fits my budget, I still think that it is overpriced. Then I found out about this K500i, which carries all the features I wanted but looks very ordinary. I really don't like how it looks especially its orange backlight, but it is very affordable, way cheaper than Samsung but it plays MP3 and Video, it has bigger memory, a camera and has Quickshare. Indeed a value for your money.

So that's where my dilemma started. With all those features laid down before me, I still couldn't decide. It was hard to decide especially when you're not sure of what you are looking for. Like choosing a partner, we ask from our close friends for advice. So I texted my friends and asked their opinions but they unanimously answered Samsung coz it looks good on a kikay like me. But i'm still not convinced, so I went to Samsung shop to take a look on their demo phone. E600 looks really good, it's like holding on to my dream phone. But when I checked on it, it was unsatisfying. I even felt suffocated coz it was too small and its features were just few, just no room to do something else. But it still looks pretty though.

Apparently Nats was confused already, so she asked me.. "What are you really looking for?" and I just answered "I don't know. Samsung is an eye-candy but lacks feature, Ericsson is ugly but does a lot of things.", and then she threw me another question "So do you really need the MP3 and video player? since that's the only big difference on their features?" and I sad "No, I just need to text and call.", and then she dropped the bomb.. "Then why are you looking for something that you don't really need?" Which made me think hard.

But the features are not the only reason for my useless dilemma... it's the cost of the unit. K500i is really cheap, I can buy a lot more with my spare money. And when it gets lost, I wouldn't feel so bad since I didn't invest on it too much. And then she said, "Why are you so afraid of losing things? Ndi mo pa nga nakukuha, natatakot ka na na mawala. kaya masyado kang takot mag invest financially at emotionally."

I never thought that buying a phone could help me learn better about myself. My personality indeed reflects on how I see things. Maybe that's why I still feel unfree, I just can't save myself from this emotional bondage. I'm just afraid of giving too much for nothing.

I decided to buy the Sony Ericsson K500i, its original price is P9,000 but I was able to haggle it for only P8,700 and I bought the spare money for the pretty leather cellphone jacket and holder.

Physically, I still love Samsung... but Sony Ericsson gave me more than I expected. It has a larger screen which made me enjoy my pictures, videos and the Java games better. I can set my favorite mp3 as an alarm signal to wake me up everymorning (instead of that boring and irritating alarm sound). So even if I'm not busy texting, I'm still enjoying tinkering on my phone. I have learned to love it. I don't mind the ugly orange background anymore.

Maybe you really don't have to know what you want, you just have to be open to know it better first. Coz sometimes there's more than meets the eye. There are things that you thought you never needed but will end up important to you, and you won't imagine how you lived without it.

I just love my new phone!

Mantra from Nats

2005-02-23T17:43:00.000-08:00

"why would i let myself suffer and care for a person who doesn't give a
damn about me and my feelings,
who finds it ok to bring me to the pinnacle of happiness
and just leave me hanging, hurt, broken.
a person like that obviously does not truly love me and
care for me,
he didnt even bother to say goodbye."

Today i have bumped into another wall and i have decided to make a conscious effort to forget that person.
This will be the last piece that i am going to write about him. (Actually i have a pending story about my
extraordinary valentines day which i hope to be able to post soon.)

My hands are full of family and friends to love, so he has no room in my heart anymore. He doesn't deserve one
anyway.

I never regret my days and energy that I have spent with him for I have learned a very important lesson that is
I deserve to be loved. And that I am capable of loving.

He's Just Not That Into You

2005-02-10T17:47:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading a book entitled "He is Just NOT That Into you." written by the writer and consultant of the HBO series Sex and The City. Each chapter tackles about the different ways men dump their women and how women make up different excuses for their men just to convince themselves or other people that inspite of everything, their men still love them. They just have to decode the mixed messages. But in every chapter the author will only have one thing to say: men are simple beings, if they don't call you then he's just not into you, no mixed messages whatsoever. And punctuated by the biggest period you'll ever see because it will never allow anymore arguments or reasons, no exceptions, that's it, your questions answered point blank, he's not into you so scoot girl and move on. But of course the author is not that harsh, he's just like all the other men when trapped in one corner. His words are sugar-coated with "you're one hot chick, you deserve better a better relationship." thatrhymes with the familiar words you hear like "it's not you, it's me." So women are expected tofeel better about themselves, move away and find that better man (which is where? really.) whilethe man slowly tiptoes away from that trap to find his next prey.

So I guess we really haven't taken off from the 18th century yet. 20th century is just a number, a countdown on how long women have been deprived of reasons or even a proper goodbye. Men still rule the world and we still pick up the mess they left behind.

So when your man suddenly disappears from you and never call back again, after all the "i love you", "you're the best thing that ever happened to me" and "please don't hurt me" that he said to you, you are supposed to accept that either he had an amnesia, he's on a coma or swallow the bitter pill prescribed as "He Is Not Just Into You, 1 capsule 3 times a day". You're not even allowed to suffer the side effects by feeling bitter, be confused or running after him just to ask for an explanation just so you wouldn't feel you've been played on. Men don't owe anything to us, we're the ones who expected too much, we are not interesting and oh my we're just so plainly stupid to believe everything they said! The saying "it takes two to tango" unfortunately doesn't exist in this world. So girl, move on with your life, forgive and forget.

When you meet again, (and that's only by accident or you initiated it), you will see him happyand smiling with no bitterness or anything at all. He is fine and it cuts through your heart like a knife because after all this time you are not. And from that "hi","hello" or "how are you?" you weave a reason that maybe he's not meant for you because that's all the closure you can get. You have no other choice but to begin painfully removing him from your system. But of course you always have a choice to be brave enough to confront him and ask him why and what happened then give him a hard slap on the face after. That is if you are willing to live as the "hot desperate chick". Oh come on!

They said "All is fair in love and war", so my question is where is our fair share in this deal?

Women are also human, we can feel, we can love, we can get hurt and we can miss you. We are not toys that you can just leave behind when you get tired of it.

We made you happy when you are lonely. We listened to you when you want to say things your friends don't want to hear. I was your soulmate when you were lost.

You are not the one who will be left with a broken heart and will not be ableto give it whole again. It is never simple. That's why I can't just accept the simple reason that you're not just into me anymore.

A Letter To My Heart this Valentine's Day

2005-02-01T21:15:00.000-08:00

Dearest Heart,

I have never seen you this sad, low and scared. I tried to smile and laugh to make you happy and show to the world that you are okay. But no matter how hard I try, you still want to hide in your room and cry. You said you no longer want to pretend.

I am really, really sorry. I should have kept you in a safer place with a higher wall. I shouldn't have left you lying under the sun hoping that someone would pick you up and take care of you. I got engrossed with my own fantasy that I forgot the fact that in reality people can be so cruel.

I am sorry I stayed in a relationship that was killing you just because I was scared to be alone. I am sorry I gave you away to the first person who swept me off my feet without even thinking if he truly deserves you. You are one good heart, you love with all that you have and with all sincerity. You are even willing to break a piece of you if it can make your family, friends or love one happy. I couldn't forgive myself for letting him break you and leave you alone and shattered like this. All for some sweet talks and a trip to wonderland that never exists.

I am writing this letter because Valentine's day is lurking behind the corner. I know how much you hated this event for this is the day when you feel you're an outcast. For I can never display you together with all the pink and red happy hearts hanging around the bookstores and malls because sadly, the city has no place for broken hearts. You know, broken hearts don't sell on special days like this.

I want you to know that I am here, I will pick each of your broken fragments and make you whole again. I will take your frail and quivering body in a place where no one can ever hurt you again. Everyday, I will choose to move on and look forward for you. I will be strong for you my dear heart. So next time, you will see yourself dangling happily beside those pretty hearts you have envied for so long. I promise, you will be the most beautiful one among them, you will look like you have never been broken before.

Valentine's day is a tribute to all who have loved with all their hearts. So on this day, I will not allow any bad or happy reminders that can make you cry. I will not let a single tear to fall from you. We will celebrate this event with people who have touched you and made you feel special even in ordinary times.

You deserve to be happy. Happy Valentine's day.

love,

Ria

What 2004 Hit Song am I?

2005-01-27T08:40:00.000-08:00

Toxic by Britney Spears

"It's getting late

To give you up

I took a sipFrom my devil cup

SlowlyIt's taking over me "

Ah, what's a year without breaking a few hearts? Literally.

hehehe, yeah! that's my 2004! ;p

Happiness Is...

2005-01-25T17:54:00.000-08:00

HAPPINESS IS FIVE DIFFERENT CRAYONS.

CATCHING A FIREFLY.

SETTING HIM FREE.

HAPPINESS IS BEING ALONE EVERY NOW AND THEN.

AND HAPPINESS IS COMING HOME AGAIN.

HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,DAY TIME AND NIGHT TIME TOO.

FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL

THAT'S LOVED BY YOU.

So There

2005-01-25T14:28:00.000-08:00

I wrote this letter for someone months ago. I just thought of posting it here to remind me of one of my new year resolution. That if I am angry, I should not just swallow it and spill it out on a letter which no one could even read. Instead, I should face conflict head on, I should say how I feel and ask for reasons. Next time, I should not let anyone come and go in my life anytime they want like I'm some kind of a doormat.

That will never happen again.

-----------------------------
October 02, 2004

Hey you,

I don't know how to start this letter. I don't even know if I have anything to say to you because honestly, I don't know if we ever had something back there. I am still dumbfounded with what had happened. I'm still wondering if it's all just a dream. You just left, as magically as how you came to my life. Maybe it's true when they say "easy come, easy go". If I just knew you'd leave me hanging like this, I shouldn't have broken my wall and let you in so easily.

But you were just so damn good and I was so damn stupid to be swayed by your sweet tongue. Maybe you just caught me at the right time when I was so gullible that I would believe the first jerk who would tell me I am special and perfect. You told me things I longed to hear from someone for years. The moment you told me I was the best thing that ever happened to you, I threw all my cautions to the wind and surrendered to the idea that you could be the one.

I even made a special box where I put all the letters, notes, CD and poems that you sent me, I made it large enough so it could contain all the memories that we would have had. I waited and waited patiently, believed in every excuses you told me, I even tried to understand the demands of your work. But you never came and the memories didn't even occupy half of the space. Now when I look at it, it only reminds me of my stupidity and the time that I allowed myself to be weak. I want to tear it apart and let you swallow the pieces one by one when we meet.. but no that will be too kind, I want you to swallow it whole. And let you know how it feels to get choked with pride and confusion that you cannot breathe.

What happened to you? Did I scare you? Did you get tired of me already? Have you already given up? I thought you said I was worth the fight? That you'd wait no matter how long?

If you just asked me what's wrong. You'd know that I wasn't asking for something extraordinary. I wasn't expecting you to be Superman as I used to call you. I just wanted to see a little effort from you. For my only guarantee that you mean what all the things you said was to test the extent of your persistence. You could have flown here and spend even just a day to see me. Well I guess only sincere people could think of that or maybe I'm just not worth that much.

I used to say to you that we met at the perfect time. But I am taking it all back. How I wish I have never met you at all and I pray hard that I will never meet anyone like you again. Now all I can do is deliberately exhaust my energy here in the office so I will be so tired to even think about you and bury the idea that I might have met my soulmate.

You can never be my soulmate. Life is not that cruel to give me a twit like you.

My friend is right, I deserve someone in a better packaging. But more than that I deserve someone who can be man enough to face me or at least be man enough to say goodbye.

I have never met someone as insensitive as you. How can you just turn your back like that?

You said you are a perfectionist. You revealed to me that you are afraid of failure.

But you forgot to tell me that you are one big chicken.

Goodbye

2005. new job, new place, new hair, new life

2005-01-12T17:24:00.000-08:00

God has really been so good to me, for he blessed me with this new job in Makati, where I have always wanted to try working in. My new officemates are so friendly and funny which creates a happy working atmosphere. My boss is also a very nice person, he relates to us casually like he's one of us. The technology I am learning here is also interesting, something very new to me but it's interesting.

I love walking along the busy streets of Makati, although at this point I always get lost or I always ask help from Nats to teach me my way from my office to PBCom tower, which by the way is just beside my building. hehehe This place is so full of life, strangers walking to different directions on their office attires, their faces painted with anticipation on their day job.

My lifestyle has also changed, now I wake up at 6 am to catch up my 8:00 office time, for a person who is eternally late, this thing is a tough task. I also learned the beauty of the morning, when the sun is gentle and the cool morning breeze is refreshing. I even saw a rainbow this morning, see "early bird catches the rainbow." and it's the first rainbow I've seen since gradeschool.

I couldn't thank God enough for all these blessings, I may not able to get everything I've asked for but He surely gave me something more.He even protected me from persons who could only hurt me more than the pain it caused when He took them away from me. He really has a way of loving us.

That is why now when I pray, I refrained from demanding or showing Him my wish list, I just give thanks more than anything. Everynight, I offer Him my dreams and wishes and I'm sure that He knows which among those is meant to happento me. He will give it at the right place and at the perfect time.

If there's one important thing I have learned in my roller coaster 2004 ride,is resigning to God's will. It's not easy but I will try to live it until the years to come. =)

Year End Gimik

2004-12-30T04:59:00.000-08:00

Whew! It's already 4:59 early morning and I just got home from my gimik with my high school barkada.

We had a little reunion at Langga's place then we head off to The Venue to check on the Ateneo Alumni Homecoming. There was nothing interesting there so we hopped to Liquid, the new hip bar in Apo View Hotel where we met with Otep and Vincent, my officemate who came from Cagayan to see Davao. Oh yeah, I really enjoyed the night because there were lots of interesting people there! I had fun dancing with the music while trying to drink my San Mig Light ( they don't have my new fave Vodka Ice ). I've met some new friends and I saw my old friends back in high school and college which made the cigarette smoke bearable. More than the dancing and the drinking, I love just sitting there in one corner watching the people from my past cramped in that one small place, dancing and walking and talking.. etc... well I just really love meeting people from the past.

I also saw someone who's soooo cuuuutteeee!!! gosh!!! I think he was my crush way back when I was still in grade six and he's already in 3rd year high school then. I forgot his first name but I'm pretty sure his last name is Tan. He still looked good in his chinito eyes, pink lips and his trademark smile. I noticed he tried to approach my corner but I'm just not sure if he's interested with me or one of my friends. But one time he was so near already and he smiled, I don't know what got into me but I just gave him a small smile and turned away. STUPID ME!!

Well, I just realized I may give some people an impression that I'm a bit flirt and cool, but actually I turn into a hermit crab when faced with someone I'm really interested with. I'm so regretful why I didn't do anything. Oh well, the only thing I can do now is bang my head on the wall for I may never have another chance to see him again. I just don't like the idea of meeting guys at the bar, it's too risky and shallow.

I'm so sleepy na! itutulog ko na lang ito. =)

I was Swept Away

2004-12-10T20:26:00.000-08:00

I was browsing through Julius' large collection of mp3 when I came across this song by Christopher Cross. It is entitled "Swept Away", truly I was swept away by the song. The melody and the lyrics are just so beautiful... it has been in my playlist since Monday and it's playing non stop. It has officially landed on the list of my all-time favorite song... it sits right next to Waiting In Vain. =)

The lyrics is familiar though, but until now I still can't remember where, when or how... well maybe I was swept away in my past life and maybe it's true that the heart remembers what the mind forgets.. hehehe =)

Love at first sight, butterflies in the stomach, fireworks and whirlwind romance.. ah! the things that make up what they call the MAGIC of love which makes jumping on the loveboat more exciting than bunjee jumping.

I never believed in these things, or to rephrase it, I chose not to believe on these things... but I know they exist. They may call it MAGIC but the mark it will leave in your life, once it is over is so real. The MAGIC becomes a beautiful phantom that will continue to haunt you.

That's why I just content myself on listening to its song because it is safer to be spellbound by a song that you know when it ends.

But well, one hard part of that magic is you'll never know if it's around the bend. ;)

Swept Away by Christopher Cross

I never had anything happen so fast

I took one look and I shattered like glass
I guess I let it show
'cause your smile told me you knew
That you're everything I ever wanted at once
There's no holding this heart when it knows what it wants
And I never wanted anything more than to know you

I was swept away
No one in the world but you and I
Gotta find a way to make you feel the way that I do
I was swept awayWithout a warning
Like night when the morning begins the day
I was swept away

And so it begins
This journey of love
The summer wind carries us to places all our own
The words of a look
The language of touch
The way that you want me means so much
And I never wanted anything more than to love you

Seeing my tomorrows in your eyes
I was swept away

I hope I wake up soon
I'm a victim of that crazy moon

The very first time you said my name
I knew it would never sound the same
Something about me is changed forever

Hearts Along The Shore

2004-12-04T19:12:00.000-08:00

"Sabi nila, ang mga buhangin sa may dalampasigan ay ang mga milyon-milyong pusong dinurog ng kabiguan, isinabog, ikinalat upang maging isang testamento ng kadikilaan ng sawing pag-ibig. Kaya pala masakit maglakad sa may dalampasigan kapag heartbroken ka dahil tinatapakan mo ang iyong kadudurog pa lang na puso. Kaya pala di makarekober ang karamihan sa amin dahil araw-araw may isang tumatapak sa aming mga puso. Malamang ito na ang aming sumpa, isang penetensiya sa mga taong laging sawi sa pag-ibig."

- by Apocalypse of peyups.com

When I read this article, I began to understand why I find the seashore the best place to pour my heart out. Pag nasa Davao ako at ndi ginagamit yung bike, dumidiretso agad ako sa beach na malapit sa amin para "magpahangin". I first got dead drunk along the seashore of Malapascua, where I cried so hard and spilled to my friends all the burdens I have been carrying during that time when I made one of the toughest decision of my life.

Kasi feeling ko pag nasa dalampasigan ako, may nakikinig at nakakaintindi sa akin kahit na wala akong kasama. Masarap umiyak sa may dalampasigan kasi ndi ko nakikita ang mga patak ng luha ko dahil tinutuyo agad sila ng malakas na hangin. Kung hindi man ay nawawala agad sila sa buhangin. Parang may tumatahan sa akin at nagsasabing, "hindi ka nag iisa".

Mahirap mag isa..malungkot, nakakatakot at nakakapagod din. Indeed, being alone is not for the weak of heart because you can see a lot of reasons to give up. Pero hinding-hindi ako magpapatalo, maaring isa na sa mga buhangin ang puso ko pero hindi naman dito nagtatapos ang lahat. Hindi lang naman buhangin ang makikita sa dalampasigan. Kung titingala ka, may mga ibong naglalaro sa langit, lulubog man ang araw, iiwanan ka naman niya ng buwan at mga nag niningningang bituin.

Then there's the sea that stretches off endlessly... and so are the possibilities ahead of me. :)

Chiztiks In The City part I

2004-11-25T18:49:00.000-08:00

Conversation started with an email about an article from Altarboy, the guy who left a girl hanging because he simply found someone else. And the girl started sending her death treats and guilt trip messages in bad english and this guy can't seem to understand the girl's reaction.

Nats : now you know why men disappear hehe

Lizette : Because of women expecting too much????

Nats : or assuming too much

Ria :
Galing nila no??? Manliligaw tapos pag pinahintay mo, hahanap ng iba...
kung magagalit ka, magtataka sila bakit ka nagalit. wow grabe!

Nats :
yup, ganyan talaga ang rules

1. assume nothing
2. expect nothing

so pag hinayaan mo sya ng kung ano ano gawin sayo that only means na ok lang sayo gawin ang mga bagay na yun without commitment etc etc, otherwise dapat wag mo sila hayaan.

Ria :
OO NGA NAMAN PALA!! hahahaha tama ka nats... grabe.. e ano pa ang nirereklamo ng mga babae?
so parang yung nangyari kay *toot* no? pero paano ba yun?

Nats :

madali lang yan, parang gprs kunyari ng globe, gagawin muna nilang free, tapos offer ng mgaraming sites and services, hanggang feel mo na na kailangan mo sya masyado, un bang kung manonood ka ng sine tingin ka

muna sa wap.clickthecity.com, or if gusto mo magchat, free sa yahoo messenger na wap, pati check email etc etc, it becomes so much of a necessity na nde mo na alam ano feeling na wala sya, at kung ano gagawin if wala sya.. then biglang nde na libre.. syempre ung iba na nde masyado na addict ok lang, pero ung iba na hooked na, they had to pay the price and be charged..pero ok lang din naman kse may additional benefits na ung mga charged, more wap sites, faster connections etc etc..

yan nangyari kay *toot*, na charge sya hehehe

Nats : pero in any case naman its your choice if you want to come out as a victim in every event.

Lizette :
Exactly.. Kaya dapat .. Be strong talaga.. If u were the ones being left behind..then, simply pick up ur heels and go on... And learn from it..

Ria :
pero what if nung nag charge ang globe and na addict nga yung user pero bigla yung smart mas mura yung charge tapos mas mabilis pa yung access? =)

Lizette : Add extra services :)

Nats :

wala ka kseng planning =p

sa globe kse ung first phase nila free ang gprs tapos lahat ng sites pwede ma access, tapos after one month konti na lang ang sites na pwede ma access, kse daw nde kaya ng bandwidth, tapos biglang naging nde na libre. Pero ung mga magbabayad eh open ang all sites sa kanila.

kung binigay mo na lahat sa free phase eh di nothing left to be desired na nga.. kaya dapat nde lahat ibibigay mo agad =p merong something na iiwan ka para un ung gugustuhin nila nyehehe so pano kung mag offer ung smart tapos at lesser rate? eh di syempre kaw na bahala magpackage ng sarili mo para mas mabenta =p

sabihin mo cheap ung smart hahaha

Lizette : Oo nga ..and that's when u say "u don't go below ur standards" heheehhe

Nats :
sobrang daming products ngayon, napapagod ung mga tao maging loyal sa isang brand =p lalo na merong mga fake na looks like the original naman pero less cost.

Lam mo nde ka nila deserve if they cant afford you =p

Ria :
hay iba pa rin ang original noh, yung fakes ang dali masira..
ganyan na ba talaga ang mga tao ngayon?
Are they really willing to settle for the second best?

Nats :

yeps, praktikal na masyado mga tao ngayon, pamporma lang naman, pag nasira eh di palitan =p

nde pa long term mag isip mga tao.. especially now that more and more people are enjoying their being single and less committed lives.

This is how the three of us spend our eight hours in our respective offices and we actually do our real work with our spare time. =) This is how we contribute an average of 50 emails to the network's bandwidth (gosh i hope my boss is not reading this!). We discuss about our lives and dissect our past, present and future situations with metaphors trying hard not to be cheesy. We are like bunch of cheesesticks, our favorite finger food, our cheeses are well-enwrapped by a lumpia wrapper. Looks tough and hard outside but it breaks with a bite. ;p

Article from Peyups

2004-11-23T18:49:00.000-08:00

I just read this article from peyups and i find it really beautiful. Very well-written, although i don't really know how to play chess but i felt it. Maybe because I can relate to it? =)

I'm posting it here to share to you guys, and since this blog is also like my diary where I post articles, songs, quotes that would freeze the moment I am in.

Well, this article may be a little too late. Oh heck!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Check

Contributed by paperclip

(Edited by blue_kuko)

Thursday, October 28, 2004 @ 12:00:30 AM (read 3221 times)

Unexpectedly you came. Indifferent and clueless but you had the aura of complexity. I didn't bother to recognize the beauty that was innate in you for it was just one of those senseless conversations for me. We were both minding our own pointless existence. As the witty exchange of words drew us together, it suddenly occurred to me that this was different. You were different. I instantly noticed how amazingly smart you were. That and more.

I was the black pawn. You were the white knight. We were always on the same board but we never had our squares aligned. While I was busy protecting, shielding my own realm, you were having your own share of victorious moments. I took my steps one square at a time, constantly being aware of the threat that haunted me for years. Your valor radiated from within while your horse galloped. Your mere presence was too overwhelming for me not to notice.

You were my metaphor.

Your vagueness was intriguing me.

For some strange reason it was as if I understood every crap you've been telling me. I just refused to acknowledge the fact that they were affecting me this much. I was trying desperately hard to resist being dragged any further into this but the scent of paranoia that once lingered in my whole being seemed to have faded.

It had its toll.

You had me.

We both knew that we could not justify the mediocrity of it all. You once told me that caring for someone over SMS was hypocrisy. Still you said you meant those words that you blurted out that one midnight when I was about to hit the sack. How ironic. I had doubts about its sincerity, though. I told you that. You didn't argue. You just understood.

I was confused that's why I just had to draw the line. I didn't want to hold on to something that was not even there. You assured me that it was there, constantly hovering over my open palm. Somehow I just couldn't grasp it. Maybe because I was just trying hard to get a grip of it for I feared that it might go away. I realized that I wasn't letting it have a chance to calmly rest on my palm. I know you were just taking your time. You've been doing that from the start. You would never know how much I appreciated you for that. You were just probably as scared as I was. Not even half I bet, for now you have everything to lose.

I'm nearing the end of the chessboard. Soon I'll be transformed into a queen. I don't know how to rule. This whole sense of sovereignty and royalty is far too profound for me to comprehend.

Give me reasons to trust you.

Tell me you'll guard me with all your heart.

Tell me you'll erase the fear that I've been having of falling in love.

Assure me that you've the one I've been longing for and I'll forever be yours.

Check.

Your move・

Effect ng Anesthesia

2004-11-20T19:34:00.000-08:00

This afternoon, I just undergone a medical procedure, surgery, treatment or watchamacallit. I wont tell what, where or how but it's obviously just a minor thing since I am here in the office able to devour my pending jobs na parang walang nangyari.

I didn't feel the pain in the actual procedure but the 9 anesthesia injections did hurt big time! I asked the doctor if the procedure is really painful if she won't inject the anesthesia and which she answered, "Oh yeah, definitely!". I saw the cotton balls were drenched with blood so I guess she wasn't lying. Thank God na imbento ang anesthesia!

One thing I've learned from this experience is pain makes you stronger. If not for the painful anesthesia injections I had to bear, I would have had to experience an excruciating procedure. It makes you stronger because it makes a part of your body numb.

Ang tanong ko lang, kelan kaya mawawala ang epekto ng anesthesia sa akin?

Yesterday I came across this saying from someone's blog: "Pain transforms you to be a better person " bakit parang ang nangyari ata sa akin is,"Pain transforms you to be a bitter person". I don't even know how to describe what I have transformed into, maybe bitter is an understatement, numb is temporary and stoic is the closest word to define it. But I prefer bitter kasi it's like may remedyo pa, konting sugar, honey or creamer okay na. I wish!

I used to be an incurable romantic, friends come to me for creative and romantic ideas for their boyfriends, girlfriends or mga nililigawan. For I can always come up with sweet ideas that can melt the heart (sabi nila ha!). But I started to realize that I have changed when my roommate came to me asking for ideas on what to give her boyfriend for his birthday. Bigla ba naman wala akong maisip! Para akong na-mental block and all I could say to her was,"Ewan ko, kahit ano. bigyan mo na lang ng face towel atsaka sabon!" she thought I was joking but actually I mean it. She shared that she wanted to give him flowers and so I accompanied her to the flower shop. When the florist asked what colors we wanted for the bouquet, my roommate just stared at me blankly and asked if I have any idea. So I just said "Yung red, white, blue and yellow na lang!", she thought it had some meaning or something, "bakit anong meaning nun?" but I just answered, "wala, parang Philippine flag lang, wala akong maisip e.". My gas! ano bang nangyayari sa akin?! I know my roommate was a bit disappointed with my attitude that day but I can't help it, I have stopped believing in magic, spark, sugar and spice and everything nice. I just feel it's useless to put so much thought on doing something sweet or romantic for men because in the end they will just forget it or even you. See, bitter di ba?

My goodfriend Nats even said, "si Ria ang taas ng walls nyan, alang makakalampas sa barricade, nde pa sya completely over kaya guarded pa rin, tinatago lang nya sa world by giving advises to other people and forgetting about it by being busy with other excuses like work etc etc.." when I read her message, it felt like I just bumped into the high wall that I was unconsciously building to protect myself. Masyado na ba akong indifferent?

There are guys texting me these days, I am kind to them by replying to their messages but it's like something is keeping me from putting myself back in the open again. When they start asking me, "are you home na?" or sending me messages like,"Text kita mamya ha may aasikasuhin lang akong pasyente.." I get this sudden urge to reply with "So? anong pakialam mo?" or "Ano naman pakialam ko kung anong ginagawa mo ngayon?" but of course I opted not to kasi ndi naman ako ganun kasama, ndi na lang ako nagrereply. Especially when they start to become mushy and sends me messages like, "Among the roses and tulips you're the beauty... blah, blah",I just smirk and stop the conversation right there before the roses become torns and the perennial tulips wilt. Ako pa binobola nila e bago lang ako nabola, nagsasayang lang sila ng load.

I feel that a part of me has died. Well I hope not, I love that romantic side of me, yung corny, yung madaling kiligin sa mga sweet nothings. Sana it's just taking a grand vacation in Europe (aba sosyal!). And when it comes back, it will bring more sweetness and romance like it has never been hurt before.

It's been five hours now since the procedure and I can move the treated part already but I'm starting to feel the pain, siguro nawawala na yung effect ng anesthesia.

Sana nga.

######################################

I just decided to be a bit casual in my blog. I realize it's

easier to express myself like this than being too serious.

I'm inspired by my favorite peyups contributor in

This Side Up. =)

Ghost from the Past

2004-11-17T20:30:00.000-08:00

I went to Ayala last Saturday with Mau, Monette, Arlene and Claire for its Midnight Sale. While we were walking around, I met a man who looked very familiar. We were staring each other for quite awhile because I was trying to remember who he was. When he winked at me I suddenly remembered him and in a reflex I uttered the word "FUCK!" right on his face and then I smiled before he got lost in the sea of strangers in the mall.

Weird huh?!

That guy is my ex-boyfriend. He is my first boyfriend actually, they said first love never dies but for me,he died four years ago and what I saw that night was just his ghost. I guess he haunted me to remind me that I have a serious case of amnesia or Alzheimer's disease.

How can I ever forget the jerk, I mean the man who was the first to break my heart and then stepped on the shards again into smaller pieces?

I almost thought that life was so unfair, I loved him with all my heart and he just toyed with it. He was dancing in high spirits with his girl while I was miserable day and night. I'd used to ask the question,

"Why are they so happy while I am suffering, when I didn't do anything wrong?" but I found out that you can never question fate.

Indeed, he got his karma but at that time, I no longer cared. I just felt pity for what he had gotten himself into.

The healing wasn't easy, it took a lot of time and tears before I could give him my sweetest revenge. He thought he'd mess up my life by leaving me but I was able to pick up the fragments, moved on and focused on building myself a good life that I deserve. Which he could never believe when we met for the last time months after he dumped me. He even told me, "Akala ko ndi ka makagraduate nung nagbreak tayo." (huh! what a thick-faced bastard!)

Remember, no one is worth destroying your life for.

No matter how deep, no matter how painful, get up and move on for time will definitely heal all wounds.

There may be scars left but let it remind you the battle you have won.

Backtracked

2004-11-13T03:51:00.000-08:00

I'm bored to death here in the office, I am waiting for Arlene and Claire to finish their meeting so we can have dinner at Ayala. I just ran out of things to do that's why I am posting another blog for tonight.

I was walking around the office awhile ago and I learned that I can reach the clinic faster if I follow the yellow carpet that lines the hallway. The long steps can be tiring and I may look stupid but I was able to save travel time.

While walking around, I found him sleeping on his desk he looks so beautiful. I remembered what I usually do before, I'd wake him up with a kiss and say "labskie, labskie gising na, kain na tayo..". If felt so weird that now I am only confined on the other side watching my sleeping beauty. I don't think I will ever find someone who can take care and be committed to me like he did.

I just learned that somethings are just not meant to be. And only Love can withstand time and conquer all. =)

Closed Doors and Open Windows

2004-11-13T01:10:00.001-08:00

My past blogs have been about pain, lost love and all the blah, blah that comes with it. I just noticed that I have been giving more than enough credit to that insensitive-man-with-a-spotless-mind who is surely having the time of his life right now.

Now I am going to write about the good things that have been going on around me. I don't want to look back to my blogs and remember how pathetic I had been. Maybe 3 to 4 blogs are enough to remind myself that I still know how to pick myself up when I fall down. That i don't sulk in the pit, blame the whole world and let the mud overflow me.

So what's up with me?

I just finished my 8-day Short Course on Sign Language Literacy with the Hearing and Deaf Society (HANDS). I used to learn sign language in our church when I was in college but since I lack practice, I have forgotten most of them already. Besides, what we were thought in church was the ASL (American Sign Language) and with HANDS they taught us FSL (Filipino Sign Language). My friends have been asking me why I decided to take the course when I don't have any need for it since none in my family is a deaf and mute. Well, the story is ever since I joined sign language class back in college and got to be surrounded with deaf and mute, I have developed a soft spot for them. I am a lover of music and I talk a lot, sound for me is one of God's greatest miracle and I can't imagine my life to be soundless. So I thought that even one additional person who can communicate with them will make a lot of difference in their world. Now I have newfound deaf friends, Abegail, Frederick and Paul.

Then I spent my last weekend in Manila, the company that interviewed me a month before sent me back there to have me interviewed by their project managers last Monday. The interview went great, I realized that I am beginning to be good in answering the usual boring company questions after all the interviews I have gone through these past months with the other companies. The software application they are creating for New York, Japan and Korea is different from the softwares we are making here in NEC but I am taking it as a challenge and I am pretty excited about it. The offer was too good to be true because they give the salary in crisp dollars!(Now I can open a dollar account) It was so funny because just few days ago I was asking my friends if it's possible that I remain working here in the Philippines and earn dollars at the same time. =) The salary isn't that big compared to how much I will earn in US but it's literaly a crazy dream come true for me. =) The best part is I can still have my grand vacation on December because I don't have to start working there until January.

I learned that if things are meant for you and with prayers, opportunities will just fall on your lap and things will go well as you planned.

I just hope that God willing, this will really push through. I'm just so excited to start my new life in Manila.

That weekend I was also able to go to Pampanga with my mom to visit my old relatives there. Actually, my mom went there to have a break from my dad for they had a big, big fight last All Saint's Day vacation. I thought it's just one of their petty fights which I have already been used to for years. I discovered that I have very well mastered the art of being numb and unaffected amidst the shouting and the bickerings. After all those years, I have developed this large threshold for pain. Nothing hurts more than seeing your mom cry infront of you, she used to do that to my grandma but now that all she had was me, when I saw her crying I decided to stop being the child who hides in one corner and be the strong daughter for my mom.

I'm just so glad that last monday, my dad and mom already kissed and made up. My dad apologized to my mom, which he rarely or never do and they were able to talk and explain their sides. =) Nothing can be better than this!

About my lovelife...

I haven't really forgotten all about it while I am trying to get busy rebuilding my broken wall and swirling through the more significant events in my life. Actually I met someone during my short trip in Manila, he is my roommate's boyfriend's bestfriend (whew!). They have been setting us up before and we've finally met last Monday after my interview. It was just a short meeting in Glorietta and he was gentleman enough to drive me and Nats to Greenhills after. We had fun talking in his car while we bear the traffic in Edsa and I found out that he is a dentist with a clinic in Ortigas (what's with me and medicine anyway?) and also he plays the piano pretty well since he is a band member in his school (hmmm..). My friends were asking if there was a spark or something, but actually I wasn't looking for any that day. I am just taking it lightly this time and I treat him as one of my new friends, anyway, love is like any opportunities, it will just find you if it is meant for you.

As this song goes by Shawn Colvin from the soundtrack of one of my favorite movies, Serendipity:

"When you know that you know who you love, you can't deny it.

Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don't buy it.

When it's clear this time you've found the one, you'll never let him go

Cos you know and you know that you know.

And it's time you come in from the cold.

Haaa...

And you know that you know"

Your Part in My Story is Over

2004-11-03T23:56:00.001-08:00

We danced,
We sang,
we laughed,
We dreamed

Life tinged with perfection

Suddenly, the music stopped,
one last note sang,
only your echo filled the stage,
no more lights that resembled our stars

the curtain closed down
by the one holding the velvet rope

I bowed down alone
as the unshakable woman
who doesn't need goodbyes
who is undaunted by beautiful memories

I will then cry back to my reality
and swear to never play this part again

But when the curtain opens for another show

I will never let you stop me from dancing,
I will never let you stop me from singing,
I will never let you stop me from laughing,
I will never let you stop me from dreaming

Your part in my story is over

ria 11/04/2004 3:00 pm

Closing Cycles

2004-10-26T02:12:00.000-07:00

Here is an article written by an unknown author and adapted by my favorite author Paolo Coelho. It is about letting go, as a decision that has to come from yourself that you can never let go unless you decide to.

This article gave me some realizations, so I'm sharing this to anyone reading this blog hoping you'd learn something too. Sometimes, we don't need to learn because actually we already know the right thing to do but we just refuse to accept the fact that our existence doesn't mean that much to someone and we have to move on.

So get up and stop staring at that empty ceiling, only one person left your world and there's a whole lot ahead of you. We have to move on.

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the "ideal moment." Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

2004-10-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday lizette and I watched the movie Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind which was highly recommended
by Nats last Saturday night during our conference call. She said the movie is fit for what zet and I are going through right now.

True enough, the movie is about a couple (Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet) who undergone a procedure to erase each other from their memories when their relationship turnsed sour, but it was only through the process of loss that they discover what they had to begin with.

How I wish it was that easy to forget someone who have touched your heart so deeply. Just a visit to Dr. Howard Mierzwiak and voila! everything's gone and forgotten and you can move on without any trace of hatred and pain. The idea of moving on is easy, the acceptance that the two of you are just not mean for each other, even though what you've shared is so beautiful, just comes with time. But the memories that permanently stays and haunt you is the hardest part of all to live with. These memories creates a damage in you, that makes you scared of opening your heart and loving again... they said these things will make you stronger... I guess it's only a nicer way of telling that it can make you a stoic for the next time.

Actually the movie made Zet and I more depressed, and as if it wasn't bad enough, just when the movie ended there was a firework display near our house. Watching the fireworks was like watching another movie entitled My Story. It started so suddenly, sparks where everywhere, everything was so fast, it was so beautiful but I just can't keep it and all I can do is to get the most out of the momentary flash of lights. Because it was not meant to stay for long. When the show ended, it left me with that wonderful memories that makes me happy that once in my life someone brought me fireworks during a starless night. But sometimes the sadness that comes along the ending makes me wish it didn't happen at all.

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot? The world forgetting, by the world forgot." (Alexander Pope)

How lucky indeed are those people with spotless mind, who can just come and go in one's life without taking anything, not even a memory with them. Who can just forget and move on with their lives like nothing happened.

How do they to that?

Why I love Tequila

2004-10-22T21:51:00.000-07:00

I don't really drink alchohol, I even hate the bitter taste of beer even if it's ice cold. I just gulp a bottle when I need to, only when all my friends are drinking but I never exceed my limit of half a bottle. I also don't like those what they call "ladies drink" like the Margarita, Cosmopolitan, Bailey's, etc.. they may vary in names and mixes but they all have that same bitter taste of alchohol that I really hate.

Ironic it may sound but I love Tequila, the famous drink that has stronger alchohol content than all the booze that I mentioned. Tequila is my favorite drink next toMango and Dalandan Juice. It's not that I pair it up with my favorite meal or something but I just intoxicate myself with it when I am in pain. I only drink it with very few and trusted friends because once I get hold of it, I just drown myself with it.

I still hate its super bitter taste but I love how it runs from my lips down through my throat, then to my chest and hoping it goes down to my breaking heart as I say "burn it! burn it!". I become numb and my eyes will turn into a window to my soul when the sill can no longer hold the breaking glass as tears will start to fall unmasking the pain within. Few more shots and I will unstintingly pour my heart out, I dance, I sing, I cry and I laugh that even the devil won't care. One last shot will bring me that one best pain reliever in the world... sleep. A deep slumber where the world stops and everything is forgotten.

But what I hate about Tequila is its upshot is only as good as the last drop. When I wake up the next day,my world is still the same as the time I opened the bottle. Painful memories and reality remains unforgotten and unsolved. Again I will feel the shards of my broken heart cut through my whole being.

As Nats told me yesterday, "There is no silver bullet to forget, only time and a bit of faith."

But it doesn't hurt to go for another round of Tequila shots when you need a temporary respite from that piercing pain.

As the saying goes, "When life gives you Salt, break out the lemon and bring in the Tequila."

Closing Door

2004-10-19T09:15:00.000-07:00

I thought we shared a life
That's full of love
But now I realize
We shared an empty home
I will cry my last cry
Before I say bye, bye
I will sing my last love song for you tonight

I was listening to this song while I was scanning through my old pictures in my PC when
I came across this picture. I guess arlene sent this to lizette and me two months ago and we call
it the "Ex Pic". For an obvious reason that this photo was taken last 2 years ago during our
happy times with our then love of our lives when we were aboard Supercat bound for Bohol.
I think this was the time when Allan proposed marriage to Lizette. And now all these pairs have
gone separate lives...and one funny thing was our breakups happened at the first quarter of this
year.

Life really has its uncanny way of twisting things unexpectedly.

It could be painful and exhausting but that turbulent part of our year has become our turning points.

Now, Lizette just got back from her three month business trip in US with a stronger heart and not
to mention a newfound love in her life.

Arlene on the other hand just got back from a weekend trip in Bacolod with her new boyfriend Jason.

And me, I am spending most of my time here in the office having a redezvous with my laptop.
It's kinda lonely here but it's part of the process and I have to go through this alone. They tell me to go out and use my freedom to play the game. But I can't, for me it's just a waste of time.

The perfect person will come at the perfect time, and I am certain this is not yet the perfect time.

I am closing my door for now, until I am ready and until true love knocks again.

Soulmate?

2004-10-17T19:41:00.000-07:00

I was reading a forum in peyups.com about the new series in GMA entitled "Forever In My Heart" starred by Regine Velasquez, Richard Gomez and Ariel Rivera. It is about a 30 year old woman in search for her soulmate. Some people in the thread say that Regine or Angeline inthe soap, is too old to go looking for her the one, some say there's no age limit in finding true love.

But I say is there really such a thing as soulmate?

Honestly I don't believe in soulmates nor in setting a sign to find out if a person is the one that is divinely meant for me.I think the idea of those things are just mere consolation in times when you feel hopeless or confused. Well maybe because I have fallen into enough lies already that I refuse to mislead myself into another delusion.

But I admit that there was a point in my life where I was nearly swayed that I found my soulmate. It was euphoric, it felt like the whole universe and destiny conspired in bringing us together. We like almost the same things, we compliment each other and I feel I'm a better person with him. We were so connected like we knew each other in the past. When I met him everything fell to its right places, I woke up in the morning with thoughts about him and I capped my nights with dreams about us. I felt so complete and I just wanted my world to stop and remain as perfect as that. It was so good to be true that I tried to come to my senses and tested his persistence because I wanted to see if he's for real. But somewhere along the way, my so-called soulmate ceased to exist without even leaving me a promise that we will meet in the next lifetime. I'm not sure if he changed his mind or destiny just got me the wrong person (I didn't know he was returnable).

Sometimes you pay a painful price when you subject yourself into this kind of fantasy.

So now I just look at life as it is, that our life is like a big jigsaw puzzle where each person who have touched our lives in one way or another is a part of that puzzle that makes us to what we are now. Everyone carries a lesson and a purpose that we need at a certain time. Each one I met who have gone or stayed, hurt or loved me is a piece that is meant for me at that perfect time and that perfect place.

I won't look for a soulmate because I am not a lost shoe looking for my other pair, I am not a baffled soul seeking for that one mate who can make me complete. I am my own self and I accept the fact that I can never be done, for I am purposely made with a hole and I will be continually searching for that missing piece. In this big, big universe for sure there can be more than one person who can seem to fill that void, who likes the same food as we do, loves the same color and movies as we do or even think like we do.

But what I am looking for is someone who can accept me as a person who is a work in progress and who is willing to grow with me. Who sees my imperfections as part of my being human. His beliefs may be different from mine but he is open to learn more about life with me. Together we will solve our own puzzles and use our own missing pieces to draw the best in each of us.

He may sound like a soulmate but the most significant difference here is that this person will not just disappear without a reason. For the guarantee that your soulmate will remain with you in this lifetime is as vague as finding one. This person will stay with me not because he was destined to be but because he chooses to, with the same reason that he will come to my life and that's because he loves me.

I will not have to ask for a sign if I found him because only time can tell if this imperfect man will genuinely stay beside me as we trek this bumpy road of life...through ups and downs.

Dream Wedding

2004-10-12T21:27:00.000-07:00

I had the weirdest dream last night...

It was my wedding day and I didn't like my make up (imagine my lipstick color is orange!?) and my hairdo is a nightmare... the hairpins won't help my hair from falling. So I fired the make up artist minutes before the wedding and I just pulled my hair in a ponytail using my scrungie or rubberband and my friends helped me put my veil. My entourage has began marching and I wasn't on my gown yet! I can already see my groom at altar in his all white ensemble, the guests were all beautiful and waiting for me to come out, the flowers and decorations in the church are exactly how I imagined it to be. Except myself, I was all a mess and struggling to wear my light blue gown (weird huh?) with endless buttons.. i was panicking and crying because I was so eager to marry the man waiting for me at the altar. Until I decided to postpone the wedding and my groom was so kind to agree and talked to the guest. But the problem was we can no longer agree with the schedule because we were both busy with work. So the wedding didn't pushed through. How weird can that be? I woke up in the middle of the night angry with the make up artist... and I felt an urge to text my friend Claire who is getting married on December to tell her to make sure her make up artist is the best in Cebu. But I don't think I was able to send her the message since I fell asleep holding my cellphone. hehehe =)

But the weirdest part is I also had a "wedding dream" ( but with a different man) a year ago during my training in Japan. It was a no stress wedding, everything was prepared by my mother and friends... she even dressed me up, the church was all perfect with lots of yellow roses around ( i guess that was my color motif), everything was all ready and fine except me. I just froze at the church gate crying because I didn't want to get married with the man at the altar. My mother was so angry and dragged me to the altar for she didn't want the things she prepared to get wasted. And I was crying helplessly, I was freaking out... when I woke up I was all sweaty (in an autumn morning), I was literally shivering and my sweat was all cold. Until I reached the office, my heart was still pounding... it was really a nightmare. The worst part is the man at the altar was my boyfriend then. And I dreamt about it when he told me that I was the one he wants to marry someday. And he was telling me about his "plans" for me...and our future family.... isn't it weird?

Oh well I just couldn't help to see the difference between my dream last night and the one I had a year ago. I don't know if it has anything to do with what I feel now. or well maybe I am just sharing with Claire's wedding anxiety...

but there's one thing I couldn't forget... how happy I felt seeing him at the altar even if i'm all a mess and he was more beautiful than the perfect scene that surrounds him.... oh well... hihihi =)

Sleeping Beauty

2004-10-12T07:20:00.000-07:00

I had a very, very, very nice sleep or nap awhile ago at the clinic. I slept at 6:00 pm and woke up at 6:30 pm.. it was just 30 minute nap but it felt like i slept for a hundred years... when I woke up i didn't know where i was, i didn't know what time it is and i didn't know why I was there. It took me about 5 minutes to realize that I was in the office.

It really felt soooo goood.. i felt so rejuvinated... when I woke up I felt everything will be alright. It's like an angel put me into that deep sleep so I can rest. It's been a while since I had a good sleep.

Anyways, I am okay now. I am slowly cutting the nip off the things that cause me stress these past days.

The presence of my ex doesn't bother me anymore, i just realized what i felt days ago was like an adjustment period or whatever you call it. Slowly i'm getting used of him around. He will always have a part in my heart, maybe i just misinterpreted it as love or something, coz I cannot entertain the thought that we can be together again.

About my work, well i am getting used to the stress. I have a lighter load now, my project leader just took over my modules since I left him last week at a release week.. I think it's sort of a punishment.. hehehe But it's okay at least I have less stress on my shoulders.

I just found a way to live life a better way.... I will just forget about the persons that bother me.. i mean if they don't do me any good then they're not worth my time! and another, if I feel so frustrated and exhausted again..all I have to do is take a good sleep.

Waiting In Vain

2004-10-11T03:25:00.000-07:00

I am listening to my all-time favorite song "Waiting In Vain". It is originally sang by Bob Marley and revived by Annie Lennox and MYMP. I like Annie Lennox's version better because I first heard it in the movie Serendipity two years ago. I've come to like it because it reminded me of someone when I first heard of that song but even if I don't feel anything anymore for that someone now, I still love the song for some reasons. I love the lyrics, the melody... oh well I just love listening to it again and again. And I'll never get tired of listening to it.

From the very first time I rest my eyes on you, boy,
My heart said follow through
But I know now that I'm way down on your line
But the waiting feeling's fine.
So don't treat me like a puppet on a string
'Cause I know how to do my thing.
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb,
I wanna know when you're gonna come.

See, I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
'Cause summer is here, I'm still waiting there,
Winter is here and I'm still waiting there.

Like I said, it's been three years since I'm knocking on your door
And I still can knock some more.
Ooh boy, ooh boy, is it crazy love? I wanna know now
For I to knock some more. You see...
In life I know there is lots of grief
But your love is my relief.
Tears in my eyes burn, tears in my eyes burn
While I'm waiting, while I'm waiting for my turn.

See, I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,..
'Cause summer is here, I'm still waiting there,
Winter is here and I'm still waiting there.

No I no I, I don't wanna wait in vain
No I no I, I dont wanna wait in vain
No no no I, no I, I dont wanna wait in vain
Its your love that I waitng on
Its my love that your waitng for
Its your love that I waitng on
Its my love that your waiting for
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love

Home

2004-10-08T04:50:00.000-07:00

I just received a message from my mother asking how I am handling my situation right now. She asked if I am honestly burnt out and unhappy and if I want her to come here to Cebu. I nearly cried when I read her message, she enumerated the things that could be bothering me now and it's so amazing how a mother could actually know it all (I'm sure she hasn't been reading my blog). I wanted to call her and cry and ask for her impeccable insights but I don't want to make her sad. I don't want her to be worried about me. So I told her I am perfectly okay and our project is taking up a lot of my time already. But honestly, I really want to go home to Davao where I will be surrounded with the people I love.

I want to take a leave from work. I miss my mama's homecooked meal. I miss my dogs. I miss talking to my brothers about the latest news. I miss hanging out with my high school friends. I miss reminiscing our college days with my gay friends.

In times like this, what I really miss most about home is riding the bike around our subdivision and go wherever the pedals would take me. I usually end up to our beach resort which is just three minutes away from our house. Where after having chit-chats with our keepers over a bottle of coke, I take a walk along the seashore and write names on the sand, feeling the sand between my toes and enjoying the seebreeze that refreshingly glides my face.

But if I am really sad and feel like crying, I usually visit the church in our village because it is normally empty on weekeday afternoons. I have the whole church for myself and there I pour my heart out in prayers. I stay there for an hour or so, lighting a candle and praying the rosary and just having a good conversation with Him. I don't know if it's the crying or the prayers but I always feel better when I head back home.

Maybe the best part of this routine is going back home to my family. When I realize that whatever frustrations or disappointments He gives me are just so little compared to the other blessings He generously pours. Seeing my family happy and healthy is all that matters anyways.

I may feel sad, exhausted and frustrated now.. but i am hanging on to my faith. Things happen for a reason.

And this too shall pass. =)

Emotional Halo-Halo

2004-10-07T04:00:00.000-07:00

Today i feel i just came out from a roller coaster ride. I feel dizzy, nauseated and tired due to a mix of emotions yesterday. First, the CEO of a company I applied for in Manila expressed his disappointment in a so unprofessional manner when I turned down his job offer. He even accused me of taking advantage of the free plane ticket to have a vacation in Manila. I thought that's part of their risk? well, he shouldn't have called it a 'JOB OFFER' instead it should've been called 'JOB IMPOSED' if he couldn't take no for an answer. I just felt glad that God protected me from that evil man. I started to add to my prayers now that God will continue protecting me from bad persons. For this world is just so full of crappy people whose lone mission in life is to offend others.

Then secondly, my project manager told me he was not pleased that I took a 2-day leave on a Release week. He is such a good hearted manager that disappointing him was really shameful for me. I just took in everything he told me and I didn't even try to answer back for I felt I deserve it.

Thirdly, there's something bothering me and I don't know how to explain it. For I don't even know what is happening and I can't say anything more.

Lastly, my ex has came back from his training in Japan. We are again trapped in this four corners of the office trying to avoid each other. Not that there's really a problem, but it just feel awkward being near each other. Maybe after that four years of being inseparable, it's just so difficult to move on separately now like we never knew each other. I cannot deny that there's still a pinch of love left and when I started to open my doors to other men or man, I have appreciated even more the faithfulness and loyalty he showed me during our relationship. I just realized that it is so hard to find someone who can be truthful to you despite your imperfections. But it's sad that life can never be that easy. Faithfulness and loyalty are just not enough to make two people happy.

Last night I ran to the guard house and hurriedly called for a taxi because I saw that my ex was also going out of the office. When I got inside the taxi, I cried. I cried all the pent up emotions I had that night. I just felt so emotionally exhausted. Last weekend I was so happy, I thought everything will be fine and perfect. And now it feels like it's all just a dream. I suddenly felt a need to find home where I can rest my tired heart. I am so jaded. I want to hide in one corner and feel nothing.

I hope you are reading this...if you are just planning to string me along please just spare me. Just disappear like you did before. I may appear strong or naughty or shallow but I can love and I can feel pain. And I don't want to play your game.

The Notebook

2004-09-22T23:13:00.000-07:00

Finally, The Notebook is showing here in Cebu. I watched it last night with my friends. I can only count with my fingers the movies that had made me cry and this movie has made it's way to the elite list. I cried not because The Notebook has a sad ending, I cried because Noah and Ali showed the kind of love that my heart is continually searching.

A love that can surpass time and difficulties. That even if you've grown old and gray, the love you have for each other remain as young and strong as the first time you met. Where a lean on a shoulder and holding of hands mean a lot more.

In the movie, Ali have loved another man, for thinking that Noah had forgotten about her. But I saw that what she had with the military man is different. Yes, she was happy with him but she wasn't as free when she is with Noah. With the military man, she was the perfect woman the people around her tried to make out of her but with Noah, she's the girl that she is. Where the best of her is drawn out, she can laugh and be impulsive and most of all she can do the thing that she loved doing, which is to paint.

In the middle of the movie, I asked myself, if it is really possible to find a love as real and beautiful as that?

In this world that has become so superficial, those simple things such as sincerity and honesty have drowned out by lies, deceit and perfidiousness which made our sole purpose so hard to find. At the height of technology and mobility which is supposed to keep people closer had become an easy tool to hurt and play with other's emotions. Nowadays, it's so easy to play soulmate, it's so easy to appear sincere, innocent and symphatetic. It made it difficult to scrutinize someone's sincerity because sadly, words are already not enough.

And in every pain, you start to create a facade and build a wall that will detract access to your feelings even to the people who are true. It becomes a cycle until everything becomes a game that you have to play.

But I'm still hopeful, I'm still holding to what I believe is real. That somewhere in this crazy world there is someone for me. Who will not necessarily make me see that life is beautiful, but who will hold my hand until the end of this journey.

And to you, wherever you are, I will shed another tears, bear another painful nights and survive another empty days. I will even risk in playing this game.

If all of these will lead me to you.

For the Good Times

2004-09-20T07:19:00.000-07:00

Don't look so sad, I know it's over But life goes on and this old world will keep on turning Let's just be glad we had some time to spend together There's no need to watch the bridges that we're burning

Lay your head upon my pillow Hold your warm and tender body close to mine Hear the whisper of the raindrops flowing soft against the window And make believe you love me one more time

For the good times

I'll get along, you'll find another And I'll be here if you should find you ever need me Don't say a word about tomorrow or forever There'll be time enough for sadness when you leave me

Lay your head upon my pillow Hold your warm and tender body close to mine Hear the whisper of the raindrops flowing soft against the window And make believe you love me one more time

For the good times

Somewhere In My Broken Heart by billy dean

2004-09-17T03:09:00.000-07:00

"you made up your mind

it was time, it was over"

after we had come so far

i think there's enough pieces of forgiveness

somewhere in my broken heart

i would not have chosen

the road you have taken

it has left us miles apart

i think i can still find

the will to keep going

somewhere in my broken heart

so fly, go ahead and fly

till you find out who you are

and i, i will keep my love unspoken

somewhere in my broken heart

i hope that in time

you will find what you long for

love that's written in the stars

and when you finally do

i think you will see this

somewhere in my broken heart"

How To Deal With Pain?

2004-09-09T08:14:00.000-07:00

My college friend sent me a text message "ang sakeet! iniwan nya ako!! wat i do now?" and then followed by "paano mo ba yun nakaya noon? kagabi pa ako iyak ng iyak d2 ndi ko ata ito kaya" with angst that i'm pretty sure all of us are familiar with. PAIN -- It's a common feeling when we feel betrayed. Common cause? LOVE -- because when we love, we give our full 100% trust to a person as we deliberately blind ourselves from the reality that pain is part and parcel of loving. When it finally hit us, we cry, blame, curse, we ask for sympathy, for help and everything.

Loving is easy, you just become a leaf on a river, floating willingly and beautifully wherever the current takes it.

But what about hurting? how do we deal with it?

First, let the pain fill you. Don't avoid it, feel it. Lock yourself in a room and cry. Cry for as long as there are tears left, even if there's not even a drop left and you still feel crying, just cry. Don't be ashamed to cry, don't bottle up your emotions, people who cry are actually strong. If there's one song that reminds you of that person, listen to it, again and again. Read his letters, look at the sweet stuffs he gave you and stare at your happy pictures. Until you become numb of everything that reminds you of him.

And when you've done this, go out and see the world. Don't let this pain stop you from seeing the other beautiful things this life has to offer. Let the pain hurt you but don't let it get you down. Have fun but don't do anything that can destroy you. Don't even think about revenge, for overcoming this emotional distress as a stronger and better person is the sweetest victory there is. For when you meet again, don't give him the satisfaction that he's so good in making a mess out of your life by leaving you. Take in mind that he left you because he doesn't deserve you. Yes you can forgive, but you can never forget.

Pick up the pieces one by one and mend it alone. Don't let anyone fix it, for the heart is most vulnerable when it had just been broken. Believe me, when you are able to go through this pain alone, no one can hurt you that much again.

When you are finally healed, don't be afraid to welcome love again when it knocks.

Let it mesmerize you once again, but this time listen to your instinct when it tells you to stop and think.

For love is an illusion but pain is real.

Segmentation Fault

2004-09-08T13:00:00.000-07:00

There's so many things happening around me today. First there's Claire's wedding preparations, then there's Georgia's resignation and relocation to Manila ,Arlene's birthday bash, the mystery guy who sent her the flowers and some unmended feelings. There's Mau and his Winston and his recovery from pneumonia..Then Maila's hopefully final interview with the Japanese agency.Oh I forgot there's also the Sportsfest and the cheerdance..ah things, things, things!
And I enjoy being their mere spectator, quietly(?) sitting on my desk while fixing the segmentation faults on my DataProcessor. As I remove each segmentation fault that appears on my monitor, I ask myself... whose fault is this anyway??!! Debugging my code has eaten a lot of my time these days... I haven't gone home earlier than 1 am since last week. For I am also trying to squeeze in a segment of my life that needs more than fixing. I have to start reviewing Java, JSP and Servlet if I want to realize my plan of going to Manila for a better career path, which had been put in the backburner for so long already. I wish working on my plan is as easy as fixing segmentation faults in C, where you just have to trace your code line by line until you finally catch the cause (mostly stupidity and carelessness) and fix it. Or if you can't find the fault, you can easily point the cause to the other modules and let your groupmates fix it.. hehehe But unfortunately, linking your own segments, fixing the faults until you have created one whole life you've been always wanted is not all easy. Especially when you're doing it alone. I am scared. I am not confident with my skills.What if no one hires me? What if I won't do well on interviews? What if I am still here next year? Oh my...Good thing my friends are also busy with their own thing, they distract me from this stress. I can stop and relax for awhile.

I have to go home now, it's already 3 am and I still have to come back here later for another bug fixes! Damn! sometimes I'm starting to concoct an evil plan of just leaving these bugs unfixed and let Shimane nuclear plant explode. That might make me famous...

I don't know if I make sense here, I'm just typing my thoughts away...really tired but not sleepy because of the coffeebI had with Georgia awhile ago.

My Fate

2004-09-05T20:29:00.001-07:00

"hi ria.
if i was there, ill surely be one of the persons who will come to you and tell you that life had been colorful everytime you were around when i was still in the office. when you left for AOTS, the whole cube was more stressful than it was without your charms and witty antics. Probably one reason i was not able to handle my indifference and frustrations with the project. you might know this by now, but you have what it takes to make people around you feel better and enthusiastic. it's a gift. and I hope you continue to be the same as you are. continue giving people a smile or two, and laughter that seems to be contagious as the day goes along.
i hope you can find the person who will make your life happier and complete. just like how you seem to touch people's lives."

I received this note from my very good friend Arvin who now works in Manila.It is his reply to my journal entry in multiply. I just thought I'd write my reply here in my blog, since it's medyo personal and Multiply has this weird feature of sending your journal entry to everyone. I can see how Arvin tried to sound less syrupy but it still touched my heart anyhow. I never knew that my being my kikay could have an effect on someone or some people. When I just do it for a mere reason of wanting to add spice to the somewhat boring place of machines and codes, where i think i am misplaced. You know naman, i'm a star in a square... a feeling star amongst the square-looking people. hahaha

Funny how life can be so full of ironies. Arvin used to be one of the people in NSP whom I REALLY, REALLY hated. (That's why you thought I was suplada, kasi really tinatarayan na kita nun! hahaha) I find him so maingay and mayabang with his manila boy thang but fate could really be playful. We were brought to the same project twice! And were placed in the same cube with only two servers occupying the two vacant desks. At first I had no choice but to talk to him, since i'm obviously madaldal and I can't expect a decent conversation with the two machines. As the days passed, with each "anything under the sun" talk we had, I began to appreciate the friendship I had with this guy. He turned out to be a very thoughtful and caring friend, definitely one of the few friends that I will treasure. Even if the two boring servers were replaced by two childlike and corny engineers, Ben and Katrina, I still never got tired of talking with Arvin about my lovelife,future plans and even health issues (since Ben and Katrina are often engrossed with their anime stuff). He also has his way of making his stories about his wife and children interesting even if I still can't relate to it. You may not know it 'Vin, but I really appreciate those emails we have although seldom it may be, they make me feel lighter and better. (Nag eemail lang ata ako sa iyo kung may problema ako noh?hehehe)

This is not my first brush with the irony though. I'm even beginning to think that maybe my destiny is Irony.With every step I take on this so called road of life, I constantly bump with contradiction, it even comes in different forms...

Funny how when he swept my heart while playing the piano at Cebu Plaza during our inauguration party, I thought he is the one i'll be playing sweet music with. With a common passion such as the piano, i just can't seem to figure out why we couldn't hit the notes right.

Funny how when I thought everything's a mess and hopeless, that suddenly someone will come along and make you feel that life is still worth fighting for. Just when you thought you have someone to face the battle with, that you realize you're actually on your own.

Funny how my friends draw energy from me, when little do they know I am the one taking strength from them. Their every laugh to my craziness, are actually noises that accompanies my loneliness.

Funny how a girl with simple joys, can be difficult to find someone who can make her happy.

Funny how a girl who trusts so easily is the one who is fooled just like that.

The list goes on... but I welcome every irony fate gives me, I just hope that one day, fate will be kind enough to take me to that someone who will finally make everything real.

5 Best Positions in Bed

2004-08-29T21:18:00.000-07:00

I borrowed two Cosmopolitan Magazines from Georgia last week and I enjoyed reading them.Some say the magazine is only about sex, but hey there are fashion issues, kikay advices and relationship topics inside those glossy pages too. But really, this mag is not for the close minded people, those people who are not yet comfortable with their sensuality. Honestly, I enjoy the sexy parts the most (especially the embarrasing stories of lovers), well I could have borrowed the Preview or Candy Mag instead if I don't.

Actually the "Give Him The Best Sex of His Life (Be So Good, He'll Forget His Name)" written in bold letters on the cover page caught my attention. It's not that I am planning to use them but when I asked Monette what page the article was, she answered faster than I can flip the pages to the table of contents. So I thought, maybe there's really something interesting in there. True enough, while reading the 3-paged article I find it amusing how many ways you can give delight to your man.

True to being a taurean, I am a very sensual person. I am very expressive, if you're a prim and proper type of guy who detests out of the blue smacks and hugs then I'm not the girl for you. Between pleasing and being pleased, I prefer the former. But I'm not an easy catch as you might think, yes I can burn like fire but I can be cold as ice, so cold that it could bite the inner core of your ego. But I don't need 101 ways to start the spark, you just have to earn my respect and trust to be worth the affection I can give to the every inch of you.

Does showing love really have to come in 3 erotic pages? Can intensity be only measured in moans?

So I took a trip down the memory lane and even the dreamland, and I have come up with a list of my 5 favorite positions in bed that could start the fire burnin'.

1. BookWorm - You're both sitting on the bed while the headboard supports his back and he enwraps you with his arms, as you curl yourself and rest your back on his chest. This is best when you're sharing a good book because sometimes reading a book becomes more interesting when you discuss it with someone. You'll also get an idea about how his mind works and his insights. In the process you'll get to know your man better while enjoying his warmth.

2. Lovin' Legs - You sit on the bed, you can coil you legs or not as long as it's comfortable enough for your man to lay his head on. Then you caress his hair and massage his head, you can even steal an upside down kiss (ala Spiderman and Kirsten Dunst) while you watch your favorite show on TV or DVD. This position is a common sight among lovers at the park or by the seashore but this time it's in the comfort of your bed away from the "osyosero" and "osyoserang" passers by, it's just you and him and your lovin' legs. =)

3. Touch of Love - After his hard day at work let him lie on his chest and straddle him while you give him a good body massage. Nothing beats the touch of love in healing a tired body. (But watchout, this position can turn him on and you'll end up giving him more than a wholesome rubbin'.) ;p

4. Scooping - It's just as simple as lying on the bed and let him hug you from the back but it could be one of the most intimate experience you can have. This position conveys security and affection more than words can. It's like telling your partner, "I love you, and I will always be behind you no matter what."

5. Tete-a-Tete - This for me is the best position of all, you can do it either sitting or lying down. As long as you're spending time and just having a good conversation with the one you love. You might think this is too simple and there is nothing really special about this but mind you this could be the most difficult of all. Because frankly, when two lovers get a chance to be on the same bed alone, physical urge could easily creep in and overcome the need to nurture the relationship emotionally.

You might think that I am being too mushy or corny here, but believe me, these five ways to enjoy each other in bed areoften taken for granted but which effects are far more lasting than reaching O Town. When things get rough, it's not how many times you made him forget his name that will count, it's these simple and intimate moments that will make it still worth fighting for.

No-Strings-Attached

2004-08-08T21:53:00.000-07:00

I'm still feeling a bit under the weather due to the tonsillitis and fever I suffered during the long weekend that now turned into a 'Sipon'. But I've forgotten about it for a while when my gayfriend recalled to me his sizzling and romantic weekend with this cute guy he met through Friendster. (So who says only straight guys can kiss and tell? huh!). He told me that he could really feel they have this certain connection and that he's really happy and inspired now. Then he dropped the question, "Ano na ba kami?" because the cute guy have already asked him if he can promise to be "exclusive" but nothing about being, you know, officially "together". I saw traces of confusion on his glowing face because apparently this is his first time. So I explained to him that he's on a No-Strings-Attached relationship which is a normal thing and actually a very popular one nowadays, not only to the gay community.

It's so easy to draw the line when you see the person only as a friend. But what if you met someone, you discovered that the two of you have this certain connection until he became your "favorite friend". Then one thing leads to another until you find yourself straddling the line between being friends and being a couple. How and when can you rub out the mark that separates love and friendship? And is it right to demand "exclusive right" from that person?

Unlike in a real relationship where protocols are clearly defined, being in a noncommital relationship can be fun yet confusing. For in this side of the fence, there are no rules. Here you can enjoy all the fine things that comes with the real package and the ugly parts are left behind. But sometimes you can be engulfed by your emotions that you start to demand and you start to expect because you tend to forget that after all there are no strings attached. So you have to keep your guards up and remind yourself every now and then that where you are standing on, there is no commitment and at the end of the day you never know you might end up empty handed. So you're only expected to enjoy the ride and you're not supposed to limit yourself to that person, for "exclusiveness" comes only with commitment right? -- But what if you only want him? -- Oh well...as i've said, this can be discombobulating or perplexing.

So what is it with this thing that actually make us agree to stay?

I'm sure my gayfriend is not alone in this field even if the pleasure blinds you from the pain and complications that looms ahead. But unfortunately there are people who are actually just willing to settle in this delusion just to avoid the fear of failure because they can just walk away if things don't work out. Or simply because it's a comfortable arrangement especially to some who can't stay still with one person.

No Strings attached can be very exciting, but time can wear it out and someday you'll find yourself asking the question "Where is this going?". I think that's when the game ends and you have to lay your cards on the table. This is the time you decide whether to take the next step forward or put him back to the other side where he belongs and move on so you can find someone more worthy of your time, who is brave enough to face the commitment that trails along the strings.

Butterfly Kisses

2004-08-02T07:06:00.000-07:00

While listening to Butterfly Kisses (Claire's first choice for her bridal march) during lunchbreak, I remember last Saturday when my papa called me up to check on how I was doing, in the middle of our conversation he suddenly asked me, "Sino daw yung sabi ng mama mo na nanliligaw sa iyo ngayon beng?". I didn't have any plan of answering his question for I knew it would mean a talk that will never end. So I just changed the topic by asking him what he wanted to have on his birthday and he gave me a funny answer, "Kahit wala na lang gift, basta wag ka lang mag asawa ha."

My father can be really amusing, I think he has forgotten that his little girl is now 25 years old. Well, Papa is a known playboy back in his younger years and so I understand where his ire for boys, as far as I am concerned, is coming from. (But it could get in my nerves sometimes)

I grew up like Rapunzel locked up in a tower, except that my long curly hair couldn't help me from his watchful eyes. I remember when I was in grade 2, my classmates Victor and Alfred who live in the village invited me go to Kristine's house to play, I told them to wait outside for a while coz I had to ask permission first. When papa found out that I was going out with boys, he forbid me to even go out of the door, so I begged with my futile cry until I fell asleep crying..I didn't know how long Victor and Alfred waited outside our gate that afternoon for they never talked to me after that.

I wasn't spared until highschool, when my kuya's friends(our school heartthrobs) would hangout in the house, I was not allowed to entertain them and I was required to go to my room and hide(kainis!). So just imagine his shock when he accidentally saw me in the mall with 18 guys in tow.(They were just Chinese school basketball varsity teammates of my barkada's boyfriend ok). I bet you already have a picture what happened to me when I got home.

He may be stricter than a regular dad, but it's not all bad memories. There are more times in my life when he made me feel like I am a precious gem in his life. During summer afternoons in our farm in Malalag, he would take me to one part of the road to watch the sun set behind the mountains where buses for General Santos pass. I could no longer remember what the sunset looks like, but I could still feel how happy I was while sitting on his lap listening to his 'bus' stories. Since I didn't have a playmate, he asked Manong Marshal (our family carpenter) to make me a beautiful pink bahay-bahay made of bamboo( which he himself cut from the farm), in our backyard. It was so pretty that it looked like a real house complete with little stairs and dining tables. He didn't sleep the night before my debut because he was busy baking and decorating my very beautiful and yummy pink and white, 3-layered cake complete with little satellite cakes for my ninongs and ninangs.

During one of those painful nights, when I was going through my first heartbreak (courtesy of my jerk ex boyfriend in college), he jokingly asked me "Sinong kaaway sweetheart ko?" like I was a little girl crying over her broken toy. Then he whispered to me, "Sabi ko na nga ba sasaktan ka lang ng mga lalaking yan.", while he hugged me so tightly, it felt like everything will be alright. Until now it melts my heart everytime I remember that night.

Maybe that's the reason why my love for a person could easily wane if he fall short of my expectations. For I haven't found someone yet, who could come close to how my father made me feel extra special. Well, maybe someday when I will finally find that someone, with Butterfly Kisses playing, my father will walk with me down the aisle and hopefully be willing to let go of his little girl.

"With all that I've done wrong I must have done something right to deserve my papa's love every morning..."

Gold is a girl's bestfriend... for now

2004-07-30T04:15:00.000-07:00

It was Otik's second time to come here to the office to sell jewelries. I never had any plan of buying another one, but alas! the luster of gold was simply irresistable. I have bought a tri-color,italian 14k, 3.6 grams, heart bracelet to match the earrings I bought from her last visit. It may be a little expensive but at least I bought something with value. A good way to invest my newly acquired positional allowance.. hehehe =D Since my brother is already working and paying for his law school is off my shoulders already (well not yet really for i'm still paying for my coop loan),I can now enjoy the fruits of my labor in a glittering fashion. =D

While selecting Otik's goods, I could see the happiness and excitement in my girl-friends' eyes.While fitting the jewelries I'd often hear them say "Ay, maganda siya, pero ndi ko pa na fefeel sa heart ko na gusto ko cya".. funny it may sound but well it's a known fact that women use their emotions not only when choosing the man of their dreams but also even the simplest things like a jewelry.(That's why it takes us a century to dress up, kasi ndi pa namin feel! Ok?) And when they finally find the one they like you'd usually hear, "Hay wow, I am really so happy!".

So who says diamonds are a girl's bestfriend?

Well not yet for now, coz we still can't afford it. Actually I originally fancied the white gold, diamond studed Eternity ring Otik brought last week, but the whooping P11,000 ring just hurts the pocket. Maybe when I become the richest one among the barkada after 10 years (according to 'Spin The Bottle'), Maybe then I will finally see my ring finger with my dream Eternity ring with matching Tiffany and Co. wedding band.. hehehehe..But for the moment, I will just have to settle with the gold earrings and bracelet which nonetheless made me happy.

As they say, "Choose the ones you love the most.." but for now it would be "Choose the ones you can afford more..".

Insensitive

2004-07-26T20:21:00.001-07:00

I have been reading my girl friends' blogs, and I couldn't agree more with Claire, men topic always gets a space in our blogs. From bitter feelings to kilig moments, men have their way on injecting dosage of emotional roller coaster into a woman's life. And I bet they don't even have a teeny-weenie hint about it.

From a saying that goes, "Behind a successful man is a beautiful woman.." comes another, "Behind a woman's blog is an insensitive man."

Gone are the days of colorful diaries where we keep dried roses in between the scented pages of love and frustrations(and more frustrations). Gone are the days when we cry in one corner and hoping that the love of our lives would notice us and hopefully(fingers crossed) ask us what was wrong so we could answer our famous "Nothing!" and hopefully again(fingers crossed again) they would start thinking why (which most of the time they won't).

For the 21st century women now have blogs for our 21st century insensitive men who are now more busy with work(really?) or ogling over Viva Hot Babes' boobies, NBA Games, Boy's night out, Magic and the most famous computer games.

Is deficiency in human sensibility actually natural in men? Are women really hard to comprehend? or is it men are just too lazy to perceive us?

It just amazes me how well men deceive us during courtship. They'd give you flowers and chocolates in daily or weekly basis. They'd text and call you every minute just to say "hi" or "you're always on my mind". They'd figuratively swim across the atlantic just to see you. And the most mystifying of all, they would literally miss the NBA finals or a computer game just to spend time with you. And when you've finally felt like a real Juliet and have fallen into the trap, your ever so sensitive Romeo will transform into Pinochio (more dangerous because his nose won't grow everytime he lies), or Peter Pan (who refuses to grow old) or Frodo (whom you'd never hear from again because he suddenly got an important mission to save middle earth) or even The Frog Prince, instead this time the handsome Prince will turn into a frog.

This is the time when we will start to complain and waste enormous time wondering like the Black Eyed Peas' famous question: "Where is the Love?". And all we get is a blank faced "andyan ka nanaman, nag ddrama ka naman." or "hay mga babae talaga" or "bakit? meron ba sa iyo ngayon?". Guys, we only have monthly period every month (that's why it's called monthly ok) and if you find your girl grumpy and not talking to you almost everyday or everyweek, then something's definitely wrong. So toss your 'manly' insensitivity aside and try practicing your interpersonal skill enshrouded beneath your childish ways.

Women may be gifted with patience but we can only bear too much. So before we reach our boiling point and before you catch yourself drop-jawed asking "Why?" and "What happened?" start asking her now, talk to her and actually listen. Better yet, read her blogs and read between the lines before it's too late. Maybe along the way, you'll also realize that women are actually not that hard to figure out.

Woman on Top

2004-07-22T05:42:00.000-07:00

A sexual position that is a surefire hit to drive any man crazy in bed (just one of the few tricks that you can do). It also gives a certain satisfaction to women because it gives them control and it's an easier way to strike the spot. Try mastering this craft with a little bit of this and that, and you'll have your man on his knees begging for more.

This is not another run-of-the-mill version of a Carrie Bradshaw's Sex and The City article. Nor am I going to talk about my sexcapades. I just want to illustrate to you the irony of a controversial issue on who should be incharge in a relationship.

Men want their women on top and in control while they just lay there waiting for glory but try taking that control outside the bedroom, and you will never hear the end of it. During heated arguments, when all patience have been exhausted, I'd always hear the phrases: "Please just stop talking and just do what I say, I am the man", and "You're the woman, you're supposed to submit to me.", like it is the solution to every problem. (Like it will make my mouth shut).

Is submission really the be-all and end-all of a woman's existence?

But it's been a hundred years since the Maria Clara days when surrendering to men was part of every woman's syllabus. Women don't wear baro't saya under the heat of the sun anymore, we now wear tube tops, tank tops, shortie shorts and micro-minis. Women nowadays don't have to drop a hankie to catch men's attention, we get a boob job instead!

I guess submission is like respect, men have to earn it. I am no ordinary woman. I am educated, I earn my own money, I can basically provide for my needs, and most of all I have my own mind. So for women like me, it takes something more for us to depend on men. He has to be strong, physically and mentally. He should be able to stand and fight for me if I being put down. He should be able to carry an intelligent conversation with me. He has to be more passionate and driven than I am. He should be able to provide for me more than what I can provide for myself. He should be able to turn me around be more than me.

If ever i'll be lucky enough to find 'My Man', maybe in my next relationship I'll be able to make a compromise. I'll let him call the shots during the day and I'll learn to be his woman on top at night. ;p

'The One'

2004-07-20T21:12:00.001-07:00

In the middle of work, Maila suddenly sent me a net message of Gary V's "How Did You Know" lyrics. I thought she was going crazy or it's just an effect of her insomia. But actually, she was just feeling melancholic.. (oh what boredom do to people!). She shared to me her feeling of emptiness, loneliness and that she wants to find that elusive 'The One'. It's been two years when her longtime boyfriend died so I understand her need to feel that love again. I saw how her world revolved around Pio, the small and big sacrifices she'd made, like when she wouldn't come to our gimmiks because she had to go home early to cook for him and I saw how her heart died with him. The good news is she is now healed and her heart is now ready to take another lease of life. But the problem is it seems so hard to find that someone who will make her feel really alive again. or in a scientific term: "The One".

Maila is not alone. I know there are many who are Waiting, Hoping and Wishing. That someday, somewhere they will finally meet that someone.

But the biggest question of all is: When is someday? Where is somewhere?

The answer is one of life's greatest mystery. I bet Albert Einstein and Aristotle died without knowing the answer.

But I have formulated a hypothesis for that (hey i'm not trying to outdo the two geniuses here ok). Why not use your precious time reaching for your dreams? instead of sitting there, sulking, or desperately collecting and running after someone who would be a potential "The One".

My dears, the world revolves, life goes on even without you. So don't get caught standing still. Walk to the road of your dreams, and who knows, the man of your dreams might be along the way.

Isn't it fabulous that when 'someday' comes, you're already a fulfilled person and ready to tackle another challenge of sharing your life with someone. Sharing yourself with someone is not an easy task. It becomes much more difficult when you still have an 'unfinished business' hanging with you. Because being with someone means creating a whole new dream together.

I think I am basing these thoughts with my own experience. My mom married early. She thought she already found 'the One' at age 18. It's hard growing up with a mom who is busy establishing her career and reaching for her American dream. Yep, she worked hard and was able to work and tour around US. But she had to pay the price of being away from her family for a long time. For mom and dad have different dreams, my dad never liked the idea of going there. So half of my life, I never had a mother around me and while growing up, I've harbored hate for her. All for her dream. (I think it's easier to accept if my parents are really separated). Until now I'm still wondering if what she did was worth it. I never knew, but what I learned is, I will never want that to happen to me or to my future family.

So instead of waiting to death, treat this time as a blessing and a chance to make yourself to what you really want to become. Look at the other side of the coin, not everybody is given this kind of opportunity.

To make life easier to bear, embrace the fact that finding 'The One' is and will forever remain a mystery, you may end up not finding it but at least you did something good for someone who is much more worthy of your time and love than anyone else... and that someone is YOU.

Hurrah on being single

2004-07-18T20:54:00.000-07:00

I had a busy weekend. Last friday my girl friends and I went to Neo-Neo for dinner, watched Liberated 2 (very lousy movie) and 'tambay' at C24. But before our gimmick, we had a heart to heart talk.. a.k.a "open forum", i know it's too childish at our age but hey, we did it at the conference room so there's still a touch of maturity there huh. =D It was all because, one of us got mad or had a tampo against the rest of us, because.. she wasn't informed about the badminton game last thursday..yes we are all 25 years old and above...hehehe.. but anyway, it came out that it wasn't just about the badminton game, there were other issues (so u can't judge us as childish) but everything's ironed out now. thank god!

But anyway, going back to my busy weekend. My weekends have been loaded since I became officially single. It's funny when I recall myself 4 years ago, I made a promise that I will never have a boyfriend again until I turn 25 (I just came out of a very, very bad and traumatic first love relationship). Now I just turned 25, and I don't have a boyfriend because I just got out of a 4-year relationship. But for me, this is the best year of my life so far. It's because this is the only time I really appreciated my 'singlehood'.

I used to believe that having someone who loves you and the "security" that someday you'll be married are the only important things in a woman's life. But now I realized that loving yourself is more important thing to learn. I am not being narcissist here, but what's the use of that "security" when you're forever pretending to be happy? When your self-esteem and confidence are being dragged down the bottomless pit? When you've stop dreaming?

But being alone has its downside too, for one i miss the holding hands , the hugs and the kisses. When I get sick, no one would drive me to the doctor anymore, no one would bring me food, no one would cook for me (i miss my favorite Sinigang). If I get scared in the middle of the night, i've no one to call to and come over my house even if it's already 2 in the morning (and so that's how i learn to sleep alone).

However, being single has its rewards that could more than make up for it. I can go anywhere, anytime with anyone. My social life has never been so alive. I've got more friends now, girls and guys. I have gone to more new places. I can shop til I drop without anyone bugging me. I can wear my sexy clothes without making someone's blood pressure rise up. And most of all, I can dream now.

I am an independent, single woman with the world on my hands. I have my family, friends and career. So there's no reason to rush. I know myself more now and I know what I want. I have a clearer idea of the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I value myself more now that's why I don't wish to waste my time on anyone trying to play around me. They are not worth it and I can say I deserve better than that. If ever I don't find that person, I guess it's alright with me. I have learned it's better to be alone than be with someone you're not happy with (it guess that's how death feels like).

Being single gives you time to learn from your past mistakes and make yourself a better person.

The best things in life are free! and being single is one of them. =)

C

2004-07-17T02:50:00.000-07:00

ftp rec-a
user shimanedb
enter password
mput DataProcessor.*
bye
***
make all
***
trace code
debug
compile again

Repeat this process until you strain your eyes staring at the computer.
That is how I spend my hours at work, and i am even putting up more hours
for it on a saturday.
I am assigned to do the DataProcessor, the heart of the Nuclear Reactor data Recording system.. but i don't have the heart to do this. I thought I am just going to be involved in this module for the design phase only but as it turned out I am also handling it until the coding.
I dread the day I volunteered to be assigned to this module. I was supposed to be in Monitoring system, I am supposed to be using Visual C++ now, I am supposed to be practicing my object oriented programming skill, I am supposed to be working with those cute trainees.. oooppss.. hehehe ;p
Kidding aside, i really can't find the interest to do this. I don't know what's wrong, is it me? is it the leader? is the language? I asked to be assigned here because I wanted to avoid having to work with Perfect Guy a.k.a The Shit. I did get what I wanted. We're two modules apart now. I asked the manager during our one on one talk not to make us work together because "I can't take him." and "I don't have any respect left for him anymore.". So now I have to pay for it by putting up with using C and Linux. Two things I am trying to avoid down the IT road for 4 years.
Now, where can I buy that zest for this? so I can start working now.

Break Me

2004-07-17T02:05:00.000-07:00

you think i'm shallow,
that im just one of them
but look deeper than what your eyes can see,
uncover me

listen to the weeping
swallowed by my endless laughs

feel the pain
behind my smiles

you think i'm too strong,
that i am unfeeling
but listen to me, hear my story
know me

discover the fragments
that lie beneath the pillars

it doesn't cost a lot to break me

just give me your hand,
walk with me along the shore

leave the diamonds behind,
let's watch the stars sparkle longer than forever

just spare me some time,
dream with me as the sun falls down the horizon

then hug me tight,
like i'll be gone tomorrow

when the sunset gets lost in the night,
you will see,

that you make me weak...
that you make me happy...

just find me,
free me,
love me.

06/2004
######################################
first poem i wrote after 5 years..
i thought i'll never write one again.
this may be a prelude to a new song...

Life in disarray

2004-07-15T07:13:00.000-07:00

Had a meeting with Sir Edward this afternoon about our tasks.
I made a list of my tasks and schedule... and to my horror, i realized how mumbo jumbo, hugger-mugger my tasks have become. Not to mention the RRC's filing up on my desk waiting to be arranged. (which reminds me to order new fillers from ma'am Ann)..Damn! so many lags, so little time..tsk, tsk, tsk... i can just imagine my merit rating for this year... tsk, tsk, tsk (have to get out of here). So if my work is in total disarray, what about my life? have to check on that, but maybe i'll worry about that later, after i have compiled my Unit Test codes.
On my desks, there are two desk calendars, one with Vic Zhuo's face grinning at me every morning and the other one Albert gave me last christmas. Both are empty. I also have a pretty organizer but it only contained things to buy, bank account numbers, insurance policy number, and birthdays.. but nothing about work schedule. So now I see the problem, 'i am disorganized'.
I'm a type of person who stride in life lightly, too light maybe that I sometimes become oblivious of time (reason why i am always late) and maybe even space. I don't care what the date today is, I even forget my birthday, I remember my ex-boyfriend called me, "The best girlfriend in the world" because unlike other girls, I don't pressure him about our monthsaries or anniversaries. But to be honest, that's because I don't keep track. Funny, one morning Jaja told me, "Hala Ri, di ba 2nd year anniversary nyo ngayon?". Isn't that pathetic, that someone has to remind me of a special date? before i'd go rushing to the nearest bookstore and find the most romantic card available?
That is why I never got interested on the latest models of PDA or Clie, because I know I'll never use it. I'd rather just have an mp3 player so I could listen to music while time pass by me. I just wanted to simplify my life. My cellphone alarm clock is enough to remind me to take vitamins, go to the gym, doctor's appointments, and even about my friends' birthday. I only dream, I never plan. My mind can change anytime, anywhere. i may want to eat sushi now but later i'll eat pasta instead. i may bring my workout outfit in the morning but end up shopping and eating (probably if i'm with Georgia ;p) in the afternoon. i may love you now and forget about it one day. So you have to make a beep and remind me why i wait for you or you'll be lost with time.

But still i think i need to change. I think I need to learn how to use my organizer.

my first post

2004-07-14T06:12:00.000-07:00

I wasn't productive today, i tried to finish my DataProcessor UT but i had a hard time with my postgres sql... isa pa, wala ako sa mood. bad mood.
After office, Maila and I went to Ayala to pay bills and eat dinner. I was supposed to do my grocery but the line was soo long and again, i wasn't in the mood for patience.
So I decided to go home, but i remember I promised Joel Lim to meet him in the chatroom. I may not be in the mood, but i never break promises. =D I thought i'd just drop by for 30 minutes and tell him about my m.cramps that has been bothering me since this morning. But as always when Joel and I start talking, we cannot stop. Kasi he's like Pringles, once he pops, he can't stop. ;D I completely forgot about my cramps, maybe laughter is really the best medicine coz no matter how serious the topic may be, there's always something we could laugh about. Para akong sira ulo sa internet cafe, tawa ako ng tawa.

At first it was me who wanted to ask for his advice, but it turned out he has bigger and more real issues.. hehehe

Thanks joel for bursting my bubbles! You're really a friend! Sorry for the 6 name-calling ;p

I was happy when you reminded me about the things I have that I could be proud of, my good heart, lot of friends and PR. Among the three the first one meant a lot more(yun lang ata ang serious hehehe). You've finally seen more in me than being shallow(as you once said).. hehehe... I hope other people would also see that. Especially those who mean a lot to me.