The Roller Coaster

It has been a year of roller coaster ride for me.

R and I broke up because finally we realize we didn't have the same goal. We believed in different things, we wanted different things in life. I once gave him an ultimatum that he should marry me when I turn 28 years old, I planned on waiting for that time, even if deep inside I knew medyo malabo mangyari yun for financial and emotional reasons.

I wasn't asking for a mansion in Maria Louisa or a Mercedes benz or a trip around the world, I would be happy even in a simple house, inexpensive car and aquiet life, just as long as we are not starving. Ndi ako ambisyosa, I only wanted a secured future for my family. But practically speaking, these simple things don't just fall from the high heavens, mahirap na ang buhay ngayon so we have to sweat even the simple things. Kahit na sabihing two years pa yun, but I want us to do something now. I just wanted a plan, a more realistic plan. This is just one of the many things that we don't agree about.

So I decided to do something for myself, look for a greener pasteur, take risks and grab every good opportunity while i am still young, while I still can, than wait (maybe for nothing) until I turn 28.

I asked him to hold my hand and come with me. To leave our comfort zone and explore other possibilities. I so wanted to do it with him, he is really good and I knew he will succeed. But he refused, he had other things in mind. We might have grown up, but we just grew differently and it was really painful.

Then he left for a three month training in Japan.

One day L came along, his exact opposite, he was exactly the man i've always wanted. We had so many things in common, we talked a lot and I honestly felt a connection. In the truest sense, he made me very, very happy. I forgot about the pain and disappointment, plus at that time I made a new barkada which we call VPAL-EM and I was just given a new challenging project at work. I became so busy and preoccuppied to think about my lost because I was surrounded with people that made everything so easy to bear. It also helped that I don't see Ronald in the office.

Louie inspired or pushed me to pursue my long time plan to try it here in Manila. Honestly, I have never been so determined because of him. He even took me here in the office for my interview. It was one perfect day for me because I was also given a good job offer.

Then suddenly he disappeared, just like that. Which honestly really broke my heart.

Ronald came back but we became strangers trapped in four corners, trying to avoid each other. My emotions became mumbo-jumbo again, I still loved him and I know he still loved me.

Through the help of my friends, we were set up on a date. There we were able to talk again, at first casually and then later on I cried. At last we were able to talk about what happened to us. I could have made things easier for me if I just got back to him but I thought it was unfair to do it when I am still unmended. If we were to get back together I wanted it for the right reasons and that is we are willing to compromise and I am willing to accept all his baggages.

I was leaving for Manila, again I asked him to follow me. I wanted to see if he really loved me because sometimes I think the reason why he's sticking up on me is because I am just his comfort zone. The true test of it is if I would still be in his heart even if I was not physically around him anymore.

I waited and waited. But still he didn't change his mind. He changed his heart instead.

I have finally gotten over my lost with Louie. I have already accepted the fact that maybe he was just an instrument to make me see that I could be happier or to bring me where I am now.

Now, I am still dealing with my last closure with Ronald. I am slowly accepting the fact that we are not meant to be. I just hope that this is the last part of my emotional roller coaster ride. I am just so tired to the point that I think I have become completely jaded.

I don't know what love is anymore. Is it being comfortable but struggling? or is it being happy and feeling alive?

This entry is quite long. It's because, this will be my last one. This blog will be a record of the whole ride which turned my life upside down, which used to be just a flatliner.

I used to tell my barkada this "Sana may mangyari sa aming relationship ni Ronald na something complicated, yung may dumating kahit third party nya, basta mag test lang if we are really for each other."

So I tell you, be careful with what you wish for. =)

I am ending this blog, just as I am closing that part of my life. It's not that easy to part ways from something or someone that you have been so attached to.

But I want to be happy already, so I have to let go of things that is making me sad.

Thank you my friends (Joel, Otep, Vincent, Maricris, Georgia, Claire, Monette, Maila, Mau and Arlene, Nats and Lizette) for holding my hand during this ride, I would never have made this still standing and smiling without you. Grabe Claire, your wedding really helped me became super busy and preoccuppied. If not for your wedding, my idle mind could have decided different things. You were really married at the perfect time. hehehe =)

Don't worry friends I will be making another blog as soon as I'm done savoring the pain. I hope it will be filled with more happy moments. Later on, I will know why all of these things happened. =)

Goodbye!