The Roller Coaster

It has been a year of roller coaster ride for me.

R and I broke up because finally we realize we didn't have the same goal. We believed in different things, we wanted different things in life. I once gave him an ultimatum that he should marry me when I turn 28 years old, I planned on waiting for that time, even if deep inside I knew medyo malabo mangyari yun for financial and emotional reasons.

I wasn't asking for a mansion in Maria Louisa or a Mercedes benz or a trip around the world, I would be happy even in a simple house, inexpensive car and aquiet life, just as long as we are not starving. Ndi ako ambisyosa, I only wanted a secured future for my family. But practically speaking, these simple things don't just fall from the high heavens, mahirap na ang buhay ngayon so we have to sweat even the simple things. Kahit na sabihing two years pa yun, but I want us to do something now. I just wanted a plan, a more realistic plan. This is just one of the many things that we don't agree about.

So I decided to do something for myself, look for a greener pasteur, take risks and grab every good opportunity while i am still young, while I still can, than wait (maybe for nothing) until I turn 28.

I asked him to hold my hand and come with me. To leave our comfort zone and explore other possibilities. I so wanted to do it with him, he is really good and I knew he will succeed. But he refused, he had other things in mind. We might have grown up, but we just grew differently and it was really painful.

Then he left for a three month training in Japan.

One day L came along, his exact opposite, he was exactly the man i've always wanted. We had so many things in common, we talked a lot and I honestly felt a connection. In the truest sense, he made me very, very happy. I forgot about the pain and disappointment, plus at that time I made a new barkada which we call VPAL-EM and I was just given a new challenging project at work. I became so busy and preoccuppied to think about my lost because I was surrounded with people that made everything so easy to bear. It also helped that I don't see Ronald in the office.

Louie inspired or pushed me to pursue my long time plan to try it here in Manila. Honestly, I have never been so determined because of him. He even took me here in the office for my interview. It was one perfect day for me because I was also given a good job offer.

Then suddenly he disappeared, just like that. Which honestly really broke my heart.

Ronald came back but we became strangers trapped in four corners, trying to avoid each other. My emotions became mumbo-jumbo again, I still loved him and I know he still loved me.

Through the help of my friends, we were set up on a date. There we were able to talk again, at first casually and then later on I cried. At last we were able to talk about what happened to us. I could have made things easier for me if I just got back to him but I thought it was unfair to do it when I am still unmended. If we were to get back together I wanted it for the right reasons and that is we are willing to compromise and I am willing to accept all his baggages.

I was leaving for Manila, again I asked him to follow me. I wanted to see if he really loved me because sometimes I think the reason why he's sticking up on me is because I am just his comfort zone. The true test of it is if I would still be in his heart even if I was not physically around him anymore.

I waited and waited. But still he didn't change his mind. He changed his heart instead.

I have finally gotten over my lost with Louie. I have already accepted the fact that maybe he was just an instrument to make me see that I could be happier or to bring me where I am now.

Now, I am still dealing with my last closure with Ronald. I am slowly accepting the fact that we are not meant to be. I just hope that this is the last part of my emotional roller coaster ride. I am just so tired to the point that I think I have become completely jaded.

I don't know what love is anymore. Is it being comfortable but struggling? or is it being happy and feeling alive?

This entry is quite long. It's because, this will be my last one. This blog will be a record of the whole ride which turned my life upside down, which used to be just a flatliner.

I used to tell my barkada this "Sana may mangyari sa aming relationship ni Ronald na something complicated, yung may dumating kahit third party nya, basta mag test lang if we are really for each other."

So I tell you, be careful with what you wish for. =)

I am ending this blog, just as I am closing that part of my life. It's not that easy to part ways from something or someone that you have been so attached to.

But I want to be happy already, so I have to let go of things that is making me sad.

Thank you my friends (Joel, Otep, Vincent, Maricris, Georgia, Claire, Monette, Maila, Mau and Arlene, Nats and Lizette) for holding my hand during this ride, I would never have made this still standing and smiling without you. Grabe Claire, your wedding really helped me became super busy and preoccuppied. If not for your wedding, my idle mind could have decided different things. You were really married at the perfect time. hehehe =)

Don't worry friends I will be making another blog as soon as I'm done savoring the pain. I hope it will be filled with more happy moments. Later on, I will know why all of these things happened. =)

Goodbye!

The Closure

I did something last Sunday that totally broke my broken heart to little more pieces.And also gave me the closure I really need. I knew I was not okay when I left Cebu and I was still confused.

When I left he said he will always love me and wait for me until I've found myself, or even if there's no assurance that I will come back. God knows I still love him, he is my home, with him I always feel secure and comfortable. He was my only family in Cebu for 4 years, he's the only one I had. But I was torn between exploring my possibilities and stay there with him. For I never believe in long distance relationship,especially when you have different goals.. so there could never be a halfway to meet.I wasn't ready to give up my passion for life and adventure. I would love him to come and experience new things with me but he's not like me, he's a simple man and no one can bend his beliefs, not even me... the woman whom he said he loved.

And then I felt tired and lonely which is somehow caused by always figuring out why? "bakit ndi nya ako sinundan dito?" just like what my other officemates did for their love. I just can't figureout why this man, who would cry every time he sends me off to the airport when I go for just a 2-week vacation in Davao, could not change his mind when I was leaving for a lifelong journey.

And so I called him last Sunday and begged for another chance. I even bargained to resign here and go back there in Cebu just for him to take me back. I said I'd go there for a weekend and be with him. But he said no. He said he doesn't love me anymore and that if we ever get back together mas worst pa yung mangyayari sa amin and ayaw na nya dumaan sa ganun ulit. My pride left me that night, the girl who used to be in the pedestal was on her knees conceding defeat.

It broke my heart, the same way that I broke his when he begged for me before and turned him down. But I turned him down then not because I didn't love him but I just felt it's unfair to get back together when I'm still unmended with certain things.

But then in a way I feel better because it was a closure for me. And I know he will soon appreciate what I did that once in my life I've become humble for him.

Wala na akong labskie na babalikan, so I have to learn to move on and let go. I am just so thankful for my friends who came to my rescue and reminded me that everything was meant to be and everything will be alright.

This closure may come a little too late.. it's been a year already but then there's just many things that happened, I don't know maybe this is just the perfect time to close the most important part of my life. Saving the best for last, sabi nga nila. =)

The Road I've Taken

It's been 5 months since I transferred here in Manila, but it seems I have been here for years! Living here is not a joke, it could really test your patience, endurance and even your tolerance for surprises because in this place, you never know what's around the bend.

I was quite contented with my easy life in Cebu with my friends and great officemates but thenI figured I have to grow up and I am still young to get stuck in one place. I got time on my hands andthis world has so much to offer. I don't want to run out of years and see myself one day, grey and old, sitting on a porch thinking what could have been or what I could have seen on the other side of the fence.

Indeed I felt I have grown up, with a fast paced life you have no choice but to keep up. I get to think about how to invest my money, save up for rainy days and a good retirement. Commuting to the office and back home is not an easy ordeal here, unlike in Cebu where my apartment is just a stone away from the office. So it is just but right to plan my earnings and let it not go to waste since I earned it the hard way. That's one reason why I also learned to work hard and play hard here. Nope I don't go out on bars and get wasted to unwind, instead, my friends and I go for long weekends in different places. Together we explore and go back to our work with recharged body and minds.

There have been a lot of twist and turns of events in my life before I came here. The decision wasn't at all a breeze. I didn't just pack my bags and go. I sacrificed my easy life and my heart just to explore this unknown side, this reality that used to just exist in my imagination. I paid a hefty price for this and until now I am still paying for it. I still cry, I still feel lonely and I still have doubts... I am still struggling in the middle of this battle. Sometimes I feel like giving up and to back to where I started or just simply release all hopes and dreams.

What hurts me most is the thought that my labskie, the man who used to be my strength and protector has already given up on me and my craziness. He even refuses to walk with me in this journey or to even talk to me when I am down and tired of fighting even if that's the only thing I could ask from him. So I have no choice but to face this battle alone.

It is really sad and I often think why things have to be so hard for me. But this is the path that I have taken and I will walk on this, I'm really not sure how many more steps I could take. But one thing is definite... that I will not be that old woman on the porch, who was too scared to experience what is beyond the horizon. I may emerge worn-out and defeated but I have no regrets.

Happy Birthday To Me!

Last weekend I went to Puerto Galera with my NSP barkada to celebrate my 26th birthday in advance. It was super, super fun even though only Shing and me did not have a partner. Actually we explored the place as a group, walang couples na nagkanya-kanya... there were even times when we girls would separate with the boys and we go check out the cute dudes at the beach (who by the way turned out to be gays).

In that short time, we were able to experience a lot of things Galera had to offer. We went swimming, sun bathing, snorkeling (I saw a yellow Sea Horse!), fish feeding, Banana boat ride, crawled in the tunnel, get drunk and even let Galera's famous manghuhula to read my right palm(lovelife). That part was the most exciting! He was right about my past but I still have to find out if he was right about my future. hehehe

Another memorable thing we did was watch the sunset. I have never seen a sunset at the beach where you can actually see the sun fades into the horizon. It was so romantic, parang gusto kong agawin yung cute na boypren ng nasa tabi ko. Hay ndi naman sya maganda, mas sexy pa ako! life is so unfair talaga! hehehe

At the time we arrived we got so disappointed with the beach coz mas maganda pa yung public beach sa Cebu, I just pity the Manilenos that they have to travel that far to see a mediocre beach. But then with such exper iences you can get in that small island... you'd see why people are willing to take that long travel. Iba talaga sa Galera. =)

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I had a happy weekend so I couldn't stop smiling until my birthday yesterday. Although medyo things are not so good with my life right now... I was still able to have reasons to be happy.

Yesterday wasn't as romantic as my last birthday where I celebrated my birthday in Cloud Nine. But it was a meaningful one. Even before the clock struck at 12 midnight, I was already receiving birthday greetings from my friends who were already sleepy and could not longer hold their eyes to wait for May 17. Ang galing that the first person to greet me after midnight was the first person to greet me last year. He was actually just 3 minutes earlier than Lizette. =)

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I went to mass after work and head to Super Bowl for my dinner treat to my family. It was raining cats and dogs which made it hard for my cousins to reach Glorietta.. that's why we were there waiting for them from 7 pm to 9:30. I don't know but it's always raining on my birthday, but then I just thought of it as blessings that will be poured upon me this year.

My friends and cousins were super hungry that night that's why were so noisy at the restaurant. Oh well kahit ndi gutom maingay pa rin naman kami. hehehe At nakakainis pa kasi nasisimula ko nang ma-experience yung kalbaryo ng isang single woman pag tumuntong na ng 26 and above. Kinukulit na ako ng mga tita, pinsan at pamangkin ko na mag asawa. Eh wala pa nga akong boypren asawa pa! Imagine kung 40 years old pa ako mag aasawa I will be suffering this for 14 years! Hay!

Pero di bale ndi ako magpapadala sa kanila, I know better and I'm still enjoying my time as a single person. Syempre there are times na nalulungkot ako if I get hit of a sudden burst of loneliness and when I startasking myself again why things didn't work out. But I really have to be careful this time, my heart cannot afford another pain anymore. "I felt like exposing myself to another possible hurt would just kill me."

I promise myself that that person who came into my life summer of last year will be the last person to hurt me.

So I don't care if my relatives won't stop bugging me about getting a boyfriend or getting married.

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Oh well.. with all the things that had happened, I thought I was going to be sad on my birthday but being surrounded with special people who truly make up my life, made me forget about one person that I just lost.
Life is full of blessings.. and i'm hopeful that this year will bring me better things. Anyway I just learned that positive thinking can keep you stay young. =)

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check out my Puerto Galera Pictures at http://ariadbeetle.multiply.com/photos/album/12

South Park 2

Hello guys! Here's more of my SouthPark friends I made today in between verifying PR for Tradescope and running the Appia test scripts. =)

This is how coffee addict Claire looks like when she finds out that her husband spent his money on an entertainment system or if she suddenly remembers that she's not wearing a bra (and she's already at the MRT station) hehehe

Don't be bothered when the ever poised Georgia looks like this when you meet her at the mall or anywhere. She's not a snob, she just can't see you.

(FYI: she's 6-eyed, she needs contact lenses and glasses in order for her to recognize you)

The "Don't-You-Ever-Mess-Up-With-Me" Maila. She may love color pink but she's no girlie when she's fixed on beating you in any sports. haha!

This is Mr. Suave Otep. He may look innocent and sweet... but mind you girls he can be a heartbreaker! hehehe

This is me. Made by Otep. hmmm I don't eat ice cream noh! hehehe

South Park

Hi! It's been a long time since I last posted an entry... hehehe... i've been really busy with work (kuno!) so I didn't have time to write my thoughts on.

Ben Chan sent me this site http://www.planearium2.de/flash/spstudio.html which lets you create your own South Park character. It's so cute, he sent me his own character and also made one for me which I now use as my yahoo messenger image. Try it! it's so fun. =D

So to make my blog lighter I am posting here the South Park characters of my friends which I made almost every morning before I start my work. hehehe

They say "Tell me who your friends are and i'll tell you who you are", I won't tell you about them but I'm showing you my friends' South Park character instead.

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This is me!

This is Ben Chan with his sunshine-y smile

(he made this himself)

The no nonesense Nats

The life-loving and certified jetsetter Lizette

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More to come!

Doormat and Carpet

Natawag na ba kayong doormat? or naramdaman na ba ninyo yung gawing doormat? Ndi naman yung literal na trapo na nilalagay sa labas ng pintuan ng bahay at ginagamit na pampunas ng maruruming sapatos ng mga pumapasok.

What I mean is, yung ginagawa kang trapo, yung minamahal ka ngayon tapos bukas mawawala siya, and then isang araw kakatok sya sa pintuan mo hihingi ng tawad at tatanggapin mo, pagkatapos ng ilang araw aalis nanaman sya para bumalik nanaman ulit.

Tanggap mo na kasi yung buong pagkatao ng mahal mo, yung bisyo nya, itsura nya, ugali nya and everything that comes with the whole package -- pati yung panloloko nya sa iyo. You know that something fishy is going on when he hides from you while talking to someone on the phone, or pag may nababasa kang "babes", "honey" sa text messages nya na ndi naman galing sa iyo, or pag ndi sya sumisipot sa usapan ninyo kasi may "emergency" daw, at marami pang iba... pero okay lang yun sa yo. You choose to be blind basta sa iyo sya umuuwi at okay lang kasi mahal mo sya, lulunukin mo yung pride mo everytime na nagsisinungaling sya basta wag ka lang nya iwan.

Kung aalis man sya, sigurado ka na babalik rin sya kasi sigurado rin sya na tatanggapin mo sya. You're the one he wants to grow old with but then he still wants to have fun. Kaya pag pagod na sya sa kanyang "journey", pag malungkot na sya at walang-wala na, sa iyo sya babalik kasi ikaw ang comfort zone nya. That's why you always find him at the doorstep on bended knees and you're always willing to accept him and his cold dirty shoes.

So naging doormat na ba kayo? Ako ndi pa. Kasi carpet ako.

Ako yung pinupuntahan nila if they want to have a taste of luxury. Mabait ako, maganda, matalino,at sexy (pagbigyan nyo na ako), kagaya lang din ako ng mga doormat girlfriends nila pero ang pagkakaiba lang eh, bago ako sa paningin nila. May pagka easy rin ako, kaya pwedeng-pwede nila pag praktisan ng mga pambobola nila (pero ndi ko pinapahalata na hulog na hulog na ako). Ang catch lang is mataas ang standard ko (not necessarily physical ha), ma-pride ako, I demand constant attention and I am complicated coz I think too much. Na chchallenge sila sa akin, kasi weird ako, ngayon sweet, tapos bukas galit... pero sinasadya ko talaga yun, tinetest ko lang persistence nila. Kasi I know na I have a lot to offer at iba ako mag mahal kaya sinisigurado ko na he deserves me. Iba na yung pinaghirapan di ba?

But then doormats always end up in homes and the carpets remain in the store unsold.

Masyado kasing intricate at mahal ang carpet, mahirap pang i-maintain kc pag binili mo dapat may vacuum ka or kelangan may special shampoo ka na pang carpet. So you often wonder if it's really worth buying with all the effort you have to put up with it. Minsan masyado syang maganda and fragile na sa tingin mo ndi bagay sa bahay mo. So kuntento ka na lang na panoorin syang naka display, hinahawakan, feel the texture at mag daydream na kasama mo sya sa isang magarang bahay. Akala naman ng carpet bibilhin mo na sya, akala nya she has finally found someone to keep her, 30% off na nga sya eh. But all the while you know you'd still go back to that doormat you have at home. And you think, marami pang magkakagusto sa magandang carpet na yun so it doesn't matter kung iwanan mo man sya.

Syempre hindi pinapahalata ng carpet na nasasaktan sya. Ndi nya ipapahalata na hanggang ngayon ikaw pa rin ang gusto nyang makasama at makausap. You will never know that sometimes, she dreams of being the one on your doorstep bearing your bended knees.