So There

I wrote this letter for someone months ago. I just thought of posting it here to remind me of one of my new year resolution. That if I am angry, I should not just swallow it and spill it out on a letter which no one could even read. Instead, I should face conflict head on, I should say how I feel and ask for reasons. Next time, I should not let anyone come and go in my life anytime they want like I'm some kind of a doormat.

That will never happen again.

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October 02, 2004

Hey you,

I don't know how to start this letter. I don't even know if I have anything to say to you because honestly, I don't know if we ever had something back there. I am still dumbfounded with what had happened. I'm still wondering if it's all just a dream. You just left, as magically as how you came to my life. Maybe it's true when they say "easy come, easy go". If I just knew you'd leave me hanging like this, I shouldn't have broken my wall and let you in so easily.

But you were just so damn good and I was so damn stupid to be swayed by your sweet tongue. Maybe you just caught me at the right time when I was so gullible that I would believe the first jerk who would tell me I am special and perfect. You told me things I longed to hear from someone for years. The moment you told me I was the best thing that ever happened to you, I threw all my cautions to the wind and surrendered to the idea that you could be the one.

I even made a special box where I put all the letters, notes, CD and poems that you sent me, I made it large enough so it could contain all the memories that we would have had. I waited and waited patiently, believed in every excuses you told me, I even tried to understand the demands of your work. But you never came and the memories didn't even occupy half of the space. Now when I look at it, it only reminds me of my stupidity and the time that I allowed myself to be weak. I want to tear it apart and let you swallow the pieces one by one when we meet.. but no that will be too kind, I want you to swallow it whole. And let you know how it feels to get choked with pride and confusion that you cannot breathe.

What happened to you? Did I scare you? Did you get tired of me already? Have you already given up? I thought you said I was worth the fight? That you'd wait no matter how long?

If you just asked me what's wrong. You'd know that I wasn't asking for something extraordinary. I wasn't expecting you to be Superman as I used to call you. I just wanted to see a little effort from you. For my only guarantee that you mean what all the things you said was to test the extent of your persistence. You could have flown here and spend even just a day to see me. Well I guess only sincere people could think of that or maybe I'm just not worth that much.

I used to say to you that we met at the perfect time. But I am taking it all back. How I wish I have never met you at all and I pray hard that I will never meet anyone like you again. Now all I can do is deliberately exhaust my energy here in the office so I will be so tired to even think about you and bury the idea that I might have met my soulmate.

You can never be my soulmate. Life is not that cruel to give me a twit like you.

My friend is right, I deserve someone in a better packaging. But more than that I deserve someone who can be man enough to face me or at least be man enough to say goodbye.

I have never met someone as insensitive as you. How can you just turn your back like that?

You said you are a perfectionist. You revealed to me that you are afraid of failure.

But you forgot to tell me that you are one big chicken.

Goodbye