The Notebook

Finally, The Notebook is showing here in Cebu. I watched it last night with my friends. I can only count with my fingers the movies that had made me cry and this movie has made it's way to the elite list. I cried not because The Notebook has a sad ending, I cried because Noah and Ali showed the kind of love that my heart is continually searching.

A love that can surpass time and difficulties. That even if you've grown old and gray, the love you have for each other remain as young and strong as the first time you met. Where a lean on a shoulder and holding of hands mean a lot more.

In the movie, Ali have loved another man, for thinking that Noah had forgotten about her. But I saw that what she had with the military man is different. Yes, she was happy with him but she wasn't as free when she is with Noah. With the military man, she was the perfect woman the people around her tried to make out of her but with Noah, she's the girl that she is. Where the best of her is drawn out, she can laugh and be impulsive and most of all she can do the thing that she loved doing, which is to paint.

In the middle of the movie, I asked myself, if it is really possible to find a love as real and beautiful as that?

In this world that has become so superficial, those simple things such as sincerity and honesty have drowned out by lies, deceit and perfidiousness which made our sole purpose so hard to find. At the height of technology and mobility which is supposed to keep people closer had become an easy tool to hurt and play with other's emotions. Nowadays, it's so easy to play soulmate, it's so easy to appear sincere, innocent and symphatetic. It made it difficult to scrutinize someone's sincerity because sadly, words are already not enough.

And in every pain, you start to create a facade and build a wall that will detract access to your feelings even to the people who are true. It becomes a cycle until everything becomes a game that you have to play.

But I'm still hopeful, I'm still holding to what I believe is real. That somewhere in this crazy world there is someone for me. Who will not necessarily make me see that life is beautiful, but who will hold my hand until the end of this journey.

And to you, wherever you are, I will shed another tears, bear another painful nights and survive another empty days. I will even risk in playing this game.

If all of these will lead me to you.

For the Good Times

Don't look so sad, I know it's over But life goes on and this old world will keep on turning Let's just be glad we had some time to spend together There's no need to watch the bridges that we're burning


Lay your head upon my pillow Hold your warm and tender body close to mine Hear the whisper of the raindrops flowing soft against the window And make believe you love me one more time


For the good times


I'll get along, you'll find another And I'll be here if you should find you ever need me Don't say a word about tomorrow or forever There'll be time enough for sadness when you leave me


Lay your head upon my pillow Hold your warm and tender body close to mine Hear the whisper of the raindrops flowing soft against the window And make believe you love me one more time


For the good times

Somewhere In My Broken Heart by billy dean

"you made up your mind

it was time, it was over"

after we had come so far

i think there's enough pieces of forgiveness

somewhere in my broken heart

i would not have chosen

the road you have taken

it has left us miles apart

i think i can still find

the will to keep going

somewhere in my broken heart

so fly, go ahead and fly

till you find out who you are

and i, i will keep my love unspoken

somewhere in my broken heart

i hope that in time

you will find what you long for

love that's written in the stars

and when you finally do

i think you will see this

somewhere in my broken heart"

How To Deal With Pain?

My college friend sent me a text message "ang sakeet! iniwan nya ako!! wat i do now?" and then followed by "paano mo ba yun nakaya noon? kagabi pa ako iyak ng iyak d2 ndi ko ata ito kaya" with angst that i'm pretty sure all of us are familiar with. PAIN -- It's a common feeling when we feel betrayed. Common cause? LOVE -- because when we love, we give our full 100% trust to a person as we deliberately blind ourselves from the reality that pain is part and parcel of loving. When it finally hit us, we cry, blame, curse, we ask for sympathy, for help and everything.

Loving is easy, you just become a leaf on a river, floating willingly and beautifully wherever the current takes it.

But what about hurting? how do we deal with it?

First, let the pain fill you. Don't avoid it, feel it. Lock yourself in a room and cry. Cry for as long as there are tears left, even if there's not even a drop left and you still feel crying, just cry. Don't be ashamed to cry, don't bottle up your emotions, people who cry are actually strong. If there's one song that reminds you of that person, listen to it, again and again. Read his letters, look at the sweet stuffs he gave you and stare at your happy pictures. Until you become numb of everything that reminds you of him.

And when you've done this, go out and see the world. Don't let this pain stop you from seeing the other beautiful things this life has to offer. Let the pain hurt you but don't let it get you down. Have fun but don't do anything that can destroy you. Don't even think about revenge, for overcoming this emotional distress as a stronger and better person is the sweetest victory there is. For when you meet again, don't give him the satisfaction that he's so good in making a mess out of your life by leaving you. Take in mind that he left you because he doesn't deserve you. Yes you can forgive, but you can never forget.

Pick up the pieces one by one and mend it alone. Don't let anyone fix it, for the heart is most vulnerable when it had just been broken. Believe me, when you are able to go through this pain alone, no one can hurt you that much again.

When you are finally healed, don't be afraid to welcome love again when it knocks.

Let it mesmerize you once again, but this time listen to your instinct when it tells you to stop and think.

For love is an illusion but pain is real.

Segmentation Fault

There's so many things happening around me today. First there's Claire's wedding preparations, then there's Georgia's resignation and relocation to Manila ,Arlene's birthday bash, the mystery guy who sent her the flowers and some unmended feelings. There's Mau and his Winston and his recovery from pneumonia..Then Maila's hopefully final interview with the Japanese agency.Oh I forgot there's also the Sportsfest and the cheerdance..ah things, things, things!
And I enjoy being their mere spectator, quietly(?) sitting on my desk while fixing the segmentation faults on my DataProcessor. As I remove each segmentation fault that appears on my monitor, I ask myself... whose fault is this anyway??!! Debugging my code has eaten a lot of my time these days... I haven't gone home earlier than 1 am since last week. For I am also trying to squeeze in a segment of my life that needs more than fixing. I have to start reviewing Java, JSP and Servlet if I want to realize my plan of going to Manila for a better career path, which had been put in the backburner for so long already. I wish working on my plan is as easy as fixing segmentation faults in C, where you just have to trace your code line by line until you finally catch the cause (mostly stupidity and carelessness) and fix it. Or if you can't find the fault, you can easily point the cause to the other modules and let your groupmates fix it.. hehehe But unfortunately, linking your own segments, fixing the faults until you have created one whole life you've been always wanted is not all easy. Especially when you're doing it alone. I am scared. I am not confident with my skills.What if no one hires me? What if I won't do well on interviews? What if I am still here next year? Oh my...Good thing my friends are also busy with their own thing, they distract me from this stress. I can stop and relax for awhile.

I have to go home now, it's already 3 am and I still have to come back here later for another bug fixes! Damn! sometimes I'm starting to concoct an evil plan of just leaving these bugs unfixed and let Shimane nuclear plant explode. That might make me famous...

I don't know if I make sense here, I'm just typing my thoughts away...really tired but not sleepy because of the coffeebI had with Georgia awhile ago.

My Fate

"hi ria.
if i was there, ill surely be one of the persons who will come to you and tell you that life had been colorful everytime you were around when i was still in the office. when you left for AOTS, the whole cube was more stressful than it was without your charms and witty antics. Probably one reason i was not able to handle my indifference and frustrations with the project. you might know this by now, but you have what it takes to make people around you feel better and enthusiastic. it's a gift. and I hope you continue to be the same as you are. continue giving people a smile or two, and laughter that seems to be contagious as the day goes along.
i hope you can find the person who will make your life happier and complete. just like how you seem to touch people's lives."

I received this note from my very good friend Arvin who now works in Manila.It is his reply to my journal entry in multiply. I just thought I'd write my reply here in my blog, since it's medyo personal and Multiply has this weird feature of sending your journal entry to everyone. I can see how Arvin tried to sound less syrupy but it still touched my heart anyhow. I never knew that my being my kikay could have an effect on someone or some people. When I just do it for a mere reason of wanting to add spice to the somewhat boring place of machines and codes, where i think i am misplaced. You know naman, i'm a star in a square... a feeling star amongst the square-looking people. hahaha

Funny how life can be so full of ironies. Arvin used to be one of the people in NSP whom I REALLY, REALLY hated. (That's why you thought I was suplada, kasi really tinatarayan na kita nun! hahaha) I find him so maingay and mayabang with his manila boy thang but fate could really be playful. We were brought to the same project twice! And were placed in the same cube with only two servers occupying the two vacant desks. At first I had no choice but to talk to him, since i'm obviously madaldal and I can't expect a decent conversation with the two machines. As the days passed, with each "anything under the sun" talk we had, I began to appreciate the friendship I had with this guy. He turned out to be a very thoughtful and caring friend, definitely one of the few friends that I will treasure. Even if the two boring servers were replaced by two childlike and corny engineers, Ben and Katrina, I still never got tired of talking with Arvin about my lovelife,future plans and even health issues (since Ben and Katrina are often engrossed with their anime stuff). He also has his way of making his stories about his wife and children interesting even if I still can't relate to it. You may not know it 'Vin, but I really appreciate those emails we have although seldom it may be, they make me feel lighter and better. (Nag eemail lang ata ako sa iyo kung may problema ako noh?hehehe)

This is not my first brush with the irony though. I'm even beginning to think that maybe my destiny is Irony.With every step I take on this so called road of life, I constantly bump with contradiction, it even comes in different forms...

Funny how when he swept my heart while playing the piano at Cebu Plaza during our inauguration party, I thought he is the one i'll be playing sweet music with. With a common passion such as the piano, i just can't seem to figure out why we couldn't hit the notes right.

Funny how when I thought everything's a mess and hopeless, that suddenly someone will come along and make you feel that life is still worth fighting for. Just when you thought you have someone to face the battle with, that you realize you're actually on your own.

Funny how my friends draw energy from me, when little do they know I am the one taking strength from them. Their every laugh to my craziness, are actually noises that accompanies my loneliness.

Funny how a girl with simple joys, can be difficult to find someone who can make her happy.

Funny how a girl who trusts so easily is the one who is fooled just like that.

The list goes on... but I welcome every irony fate gives me, I just hope that one day, fate will be kind enough to take me to that someone who will finally make everything real.