Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Closing Cycles



Here is an article written by an unknown author and adapted by my favorite author Paolo Coelho. It is about letting go, as a decision that has to come from yourself that you can never let go unless you decide to.

This article gave me some realizations, so I'm sharing this to anyone reading this blog hoping you'd learn something too. Sometimes, we don't need to learn because actually we already know the right thing to do but we just refuse to accept the fact that our existence doesn't mean that much to someone and we have to move on.

So get up and stop staring at that empty ceiling, only one person left your world and there's a whole lot ahead of you. We have to move on.

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the "ideal moment." Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind


Yesterday lizette and I watched the movie Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind which was highly recommended
by Nats last Saturday night during our conference call. She said the movie is fit for what zet and I are going through right now.

True enough, the movie is about a couple (Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet) who undergone a procedure to erase each other from their memories when their relationship turnsed sour, but it was only through the process of loss that they discover what they had to begin with.

How I wish it was that easy to forget someone who have touched your heart so deeply. Just a visit to Dr. Howard Mierzwiak and voila! everything's gone and forgotten and you can move on without any trace of hatred and pain. The idea of moving on is easy, the acceptance that the two of you are just not mean for each other, even though what you've shared is so beautiful, just comes with time. But the memories that permanently stays and haunt you is the hardest part of all to live with. These memories creates a damage in you, that makes you scared of opening your heart and loving again... they said these things will make you stronger... I guess it's only a nicer way of telling that it can make you a stoic for the next time.

Actually the movie made Zet and I more depressed, and as if it wasn't bad enough, just when the movie ended there was a firework display near our house. Watching the fireworks was like watching another movie entitled My Story. It started so suddenly, sparks where everywhere, everything was so fast, it was so beautiful but I just can't keep it and all I can do is to get the most out of the momentary flash of lights. Because it was not meant to stay for long. When the show ended, it left me with that wonderful memories that makes me happy that once in my life someone brought me fireworks during a starless night. But sometimes the sadness that comes along the ending makes me wish it didn't happen at all.

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot? The world forgetting, by the world forgot." (Alexander Pope)

How lucky indeed are those people with spotless mind, who can just come and go in one's life without taking anything, not even a memory with them. Who can just forget and move on with their lives like nothing happened.

How do they to that?






Friday, October 22, 2004

Why I love Tequila

I don't really drink alchohol, I even hate the bitter taste of beer even if it's ice cold. I just gulp a bottle when I need to, only when all my friends are drinking but I never exceed my limit of half a bottle. I also don't like those what they call "ladies drink" like the Margarita, Cosmopolitan, Bailey's, etc.. they may vary in names and mixes but they all have that same bitter taste of alchohol that I really hate.


Ironic it may sound but I love Tequila, the famous drink that has stronger alchohol content than all the booze that I mentioned. Tequila is my favorite drink next toMango and Dalandan Juice. It's not that I pair it up with my favorite meal or something but I just intoxicate myself with it when I am in pain. I only drink it with very few and trusted friends because once I get hold of it, I just drown myself with it.


I still hate its super bitter taste but I love how it runs from my lips down through my throat, then to my chest and hoping it goes down to my breaking heart as I say "burn it! burn it!". I become numb and my eyes will turn into a window to my soul when the sill can no longer hold the breaking glass as tears will start to fall unmasking the pain within. Few more shots and I will unstintingly pour my heart out, I dance, I sing, I cry and I laugh that even the devil won't care. One last shot will bring me that one best pain reliever in the world... sleep. A deep slumber where the world stops and everything is forgotten.


But what I hate about Tequila is its upshot is only as good as the last drop. When I wake up the next day,my world is still the same as the time I opened the bottle. Painful memories and reality remains unforgotten and unsolved. Again I will feel the shards of my broken heart cut through my whole being.


As Nats told me yesterday, "There is no silver bullet to forget, only time and a bit of faith."


But it doesn't hurt to go for another round of Tequila shots when you need a temporary respite from that piercing pain.


As the saying goes, "When life gives you Salt, break out the lemon and bring in the Tequila."


Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Closing Door


I thought we shared a life
That's full of love
But now I realize
We shared an empty home
I will cry my last cry
Before I say bye, bye
I will sing my last love song for you tonight

I was listening to this song while I was scanning through my old pictures in my PC when
I came across this picture. I guess arlene sent this to lizette and me two months ago and we call
it the "Ex Pic". For an obvious reason that this photo was taken last 2 years ago during our
happy times with our then love of our lives when we were aboard Supercat bound for Bohol.
I think this was the time when Allan proposed marriage to Lizette. And now all these pairs have
gone separate lives...and one funny thing was our breakups happened at the first quarter of this
year.

Life really has its uncanny way of twisting things unexpectedly.

It could be painful and exhausting but that turbulent part of our year has become our turning points.

Now, Lizette just got back from her three month business trip in US with a stronger heart and not
to mention a newfound love in her life.

Arlene on the other hand just got back from a weekend trip in Bacolod with her new boyfriend Jason.

And me, I am spending most of my time here in the office having a redezvous with my laptop.
It's kinda lonely here but it's part of the process and I have to go through this alone. They tell me to go out and use my freedom to play the game. But I can't, for me it's just a waste of time.

The perfect person will come at the perfect time, and I am certain this is not yet the perfect time.

I am closing my door for now, until I am ready and until true love knocks again.


Sunday, October 17, 2004

Soulmate?

I was reading a forum in peyups.com about the new series in GMA entitled "Forever In My Heart" starred by Regine Velasquez, Richard Gomez and Ariel Rivera. It is about a 30 year old woman in search for her soulmate. Some people in the thread say that Regine or Angeline inthe soap, is too old to go looking for her the one, some say there's no age limit in finding true love.

But I say is there really such a thing as soulmate?

Honestly I don't believe in soulmates nor in setting a sign to find out if a person is the one that is divinely meant for me.I think the idea of those things are just mere consolation in times when you feel hopeless or confused. Well maybe because I have fallen into enough lies already that I refuse to mislead myself into another delusion.

But I admit that there was a point in my life where I was nearly swayed that I found my soulmate. It was euphoric, it felt like the whole universe and destiny conspired in bringing us together. We like almost the same things, we compliment each other and I feel I'm a better person with him. We were so connected like we knew each other in the past. When I met him everything fell to its right places, I woke up in the morning with thoughts about him and I capped my nights with dreams about us. I felt so complete and I just wanted my world to stop and remain as perfect as that. It was so good to be true that I tried to come to my senses and tested his persistence because I wanted to see if he's for real. But somewhere along the way, my so-called soulmate ceased to exist without even leaving me a promise that we will meet in the next lifetime. I'm not sure if he changed his mind or destiny just got me the wrong person (I didn't know he was returnable).

Sometimes you pay a painful price when you subject yourself into this kind of fantasy.

So now I just look at life as it is, that our life is like a big jigsaw puzzle where each person who have touched our lives in one way or another is a part of that puzzle that makes us to what we are now. Everyone carries a lesson and a purpose that we need at a certain time. Each one I met who have gone or stayed, hurt or loved me is a piece that is meant for me at that perfect time and that perfect place.

I won't look for a soulmate because I am not a lost shoe looking for my other pair, I am not a baffled soul seeking for that one mate who can make me complete. I am my own self and I accept the fact that I can never be done, for I am purposely made with a hole and I will be continually searching for that missing piece. In this big, big universe for sure there can be more than one person who can seem to fill that void, who likes the same food as we do, loves the same color and movies as we do or even think like we do.

But what I am looking for is someone who can accept me as a person who is a work in progress and who is willing to grow with me. Who sees my imperfections as part of my being human. His beliefs may be different from mine but he is open to learn more about life with me. Together we will solve our own puzzles and use our own missing pieces to draw the best in each of us.

He may sound like a soulmate but the most significant difference here is that this person will not just disappear without a reason. For the guarantee that your soulmate will remain with you in this lifetime is as vague as finding one. This person will stay with me not because he was destined to be but because he chooses to, with the same reason that he will come to my life and that's because he loves me.

I will not have to ask for a sign if I found him because only time can tell if this imperfect man will genuinely stay beside me as we trek this bumpy road of life...through ups and downs.


Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Dream Wedding

I had the weirdest dream last night...

It was my wedding day and I didn't like my make up (imagine my lipstick color is orange!?) and my hairdo is a nightmare... the hairpins won't help my hair from falling. So I fired the make up artist minutes before the wedding and I just pulled my hair in a ponytail using my scrungie or rubberband and my friends helped me put my veil. My entourage has began marching and I wasn't on my gown yet! I can already see my groom at altar in his all white ensemble, the guests were all beautiful and waiting for me to come out, the flowers and decorations in the church are exactly how I imagined it to be. Except myself, I was all a mess and struggling to wear my light blue gown (weird huh?) with endless buttons.. i was panicking and crying because I was so eager to marry the man waiting for me at the altar. Until I decided to postpone the wedding and my groom was so kind to agree and talked to the guest. But the problem was we can no longer agree with the schedule because we were both busy with work. So the wedding didn't pushed through. How weird can that be? I woke up in the middle of the night angry with the make up artist... and I felt an urge to text my friend Claire who is getting married on December to tell her to make sure her make up artist is the best in Cebu. But I don't think I was able to send her the message since I fell asleep holding my cellphone. hehehe =)

But the weirdest part is I also had a "wedding dream" ( but with a different man) a year ago during my training in Japan. It was a no stress wedding, everything was prepared by my mother and friends... she even dressed me up, the church was all perfect with lots of yellow roses around ( i guess that was my color motif), everything was all ready and fine except me. I just froze at the church gate crying because I didn't want to get married with the man at the altar. My mother was so angry and dragged me to the altar for she didn't want the things she prepared to get wasted. And I was crying helplessly, I was freaking out... when I woke up I was all sweaty (in an autumn morning), I was literally shivering and my sweat was all cold. Until I reached the office, my heart was still pounding... it was really a nightmare. The worst part is the man at the altar was my boyfriend then. And I dreamt about it when he told me that I was the one he wants to marry someday. And he was telling me about his "plans" for me...and our future family.... isn't it weird?

Oh well I just couldn't help to see the difference between my dream last night and the one I had a year ago. I don't know if it has anything to do with what I feel now. or well maybe I am just sharing with Claire's wedding anxiety...

but there's one thing I couldn't forget... how happy I felt seeing him at the altar even if i'm all a mess and he was more beautiful than the perfect scene that surrounds him.... oh well... hihihi =)

Sleeping Beauty

I had a very, very, very nice sleep or nap awhile ago at the clinic. I slept at 6:00 pm and woke up at 6:30 pm.. it was just 30 minute nap but it felt like i slept for a hundred years... when I woke up i didn't know where i was, i didn't know what time it is and i didn't know why I was there. It took me about 5 minutes to realize that I was in the office.

It really felt soooo goood.. i felt so rejuvinated... when I woke up I felt everything will be alright. It's like an angel put me into that deep sleep so I can rest. It's been a while since I had a good sleep.

Anyways, I am okay now. I am slowly cutting the nip off the things that cause me stress these past days.

The presence of my ex doesn't bother me anymore, i just realized what i felt days ago was like an adjustment period or whatever you call it. Slowly i'm getting used of him around. He will always have a part in my heart, maybe i just misinterpreted it as love or something, coz I cannot entertain the thought that we can be together again.

About my work, well i am getting used to the stress. I have a lighter load now, my project leader just took over my modules since I left him last week at a release week.. I think it's sort of a punishment.. hehehe But it's okay at least I have less stress on my shoulders.

I just found a way to live life a better way.... I will just forget about the persons that bother me.. i mean if they don't do me any good then they're not worth my time! and another, if I feel so frustrated and exhausted again..all I have to do is take a good sleep.


Monday, October 11, 2004

Waiting In Vain

I am listening to my all-time favorite song "Waiting In Vain". It is originally sang by Bob Marley and revived by Annie Lennox and MYMP. I like Annie Lennox's version better because I first heard it in the movie Serendipity two years ago. I've come to like it because it reminded me of someone when I first heard of that song but even if I don't feel anything anymore for that someone now, I still love the song for some reasons. I love the lyrics, the melody... oh well I just love listening to it again and again. And I'll never get tired of listening to it.

From the very first time I rest my eyes on you, boy,
My heart said follow through
But I know now that I'm way down on your line
But the waiting feeling's fine.
So don't treat me like a puppet on a string
'Cause I know how to do my thing.
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb,
I wanna know when you're gonna come.



See, I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
'Cause summer is here, I'm still waiting there,
Winter is here and I'm still waiting there.



Like I said, it's been three years since I'm knocking on your door
And I still can knock some more.
Ooh boy, ooh boy, is it crazy love? I wanna know now
For I to knock some more. You see...
In life I know there is lots of grief
But your love is my relief.
Tears in my eyes burn, tears in my eyes burn
While I'm waiting, while I'm waiting for my turn.



See, I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,..
'Cause summer is here, I'm still waiting there,
Winter is here and I'm still waiting there.



No I no I, I don't wanna wait in vain
No I no I, I dont wanna wait in vain
No no no I, no I, I dont wanna wait in vain
Its your love that I waitng on
Its my love that your waitng for
Its your love that I waitng on
Its my love that your waiting for
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love

Friday, October 08, 2004

Home

I just received a message from my mother asking how I am handling my situation right now. She asked if I am honestly burnt out and unhappy and if I want her to come here to Cebu. I nearly cried when I read her message, she enumerated the things that could be bothering me now and it's so amazing how a mother could actually know it all (I'm sure she hasn't been reading my blog). I wanted to call her and cry and ask for her impeccable insights but I don't want to make her sad. I don't want her to be worried about me. So I told her I am perfectly okay and our project is taking up a lot of my time already. But honestly, I really want to go home to Davao where I will be surrounded with the people I love.

I want to take a leave from work. I miss my mama's homecooked meal. I miss my dogs. I miss talking to my brothers about the latest news. I miss hanging out with my high school friends. I miss reminiscing our college days with my gay friends.

In times like this, what I really miss most about home is riding the bike around our subdivision and go wherever the pedals would take me. I usually end up to our beach resort which is just three minutes away from our house. Where after having chit-chats with our keepers over a bottle of coke, I take a walk along the seashore and write names on the sand, feeling the sand between my toes and enjoying the seebreeze that refreshingly glides my face.
But if I am really sad and feel like crying, I usually visit the church in our village because it is normally empty on weekeday afternoons. I have the whole church for myself and there I pour my heart out in prayers. I stay there for an hour or so, lighting a candle and praying the rosary and just having a good conversation with Him. I don't know if it's the crying or the prayers but I always feel better when I head back home.

Maybe the best part of this routine is going back home to my family. When I realize that whatever frustrations or disappointments He gives me are just so little compared to the other blessings He generously pours. Seeing my family happy and healthy is all that matters anyways.

I may feel sad, exhausted and frustrated now.. but i am hanging on to my faith. Things happen for a reason.

And this too shall pass. =)

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Emotional Halo-Halo

Today i feel i just came out from a roller coaster ride. I feel dizzy, nauseated and tired due to a mix of emotions yesterday. First, the CEO of a company I applied for in Manila expressed his disappointment in a so unprofessional manner when I turned down his job offer. He even accused me of taking advantage of the free plane ticket to have a vacation in Manila. I thought that's part of their risk? well, he shouldn't have called it a 'JOB OFFER' instead it should've been called 'JOB IMPOSED' if he couldn't take no for an answer. I just felt glad that God protected me from that evil man. I started to add to my prayers now that God will continue protecting me from bad persons. For this world is just so full of crappy people whose lone mission in life is to offend others.

Then secondly, my project manager told me he was not pleased that I took a 2-day leave on a Release week. He is such a good hearted manager that disappointing him was really shameful for me. I just took in everything he told me and I didn't even try to answer back for I felt I deserve it.

Thirdly, there's something bothering me and I don't know how to explain it. For I don't even know what is happening and I can't say anything more.

Lastly, my ex has came back from his training in Japan. We are again trapped in this four corners of the office trying to avoid each other. Not that there's really a problem, but it just feel awkward being near each other. Maybe after that four years of being inseparable, it's just so difficult to move on separately now like we never knew each other. I cannot deny that there's still a pinch of love left and when I started to open my doors to other men or man, I have appreciated even more the faithfulness and loyalty he showed me during our relationship. I just realized that it is so hard to find someone who can be truthful to you despite your imperfections. But it's sad that life can never be that easy. Faithfulness and loyalty are just not enough to make two people happy.

Last night I ran to the guard house and hurriedly called for a taxi because I saw that my ex was also going out of the office. When I got inside the taxi, I cried. I cried all the pent up emotions I had that night. I just felt so emotionally exhausted. Last weekend I was so happy, I thought everything will be fine and perfect. And now it feels like it's all just a dream. I suddenly felt a need to find home where I can rest my tired heart. I am so jaded. I want to hide in one corner and feel nothing.

I hope you are reading this...if you are just planning to string me along please just spare me. Just disappear like you did before. I may appear strong or naughty or shallow but I can love and I can feel pain. And I don't want to play your game.